simply reminisce

detour

2011-12-19T15:29:00.002-05:00

i've started a new blog! if you want to see pictures of my beautiful baby girl and catch up, you can find them here!! and while you're there, make sure you follow so that i know you're reading :)

Something bigger

2011-06-30T18:36:00.001-04:00

For pretty much my entire adult life, I've felt the desire to be part of something bigger than myself....something that only God is capable of doing....and when I see Mykenzie's ultrasounds, I realize I am.

How can people not believe in God, when having children makes Him so very real??

She shines like the sun

2011-06-09T15:24:00.002-04:00

I never formally introduced my beautiful niece, Soleil Mariela!!! We love her!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

time is yummy

2011-06-09T13:04:00.005-04:00

while i was in the hospital with zachary, they kept saying that every day he stayed inside was "icing on the cake"...and well, i'm 25 weeks today...so i feel like that's some substantial icing! and i don't even like icing, but this seems delicious in a non-edible sort of way!

{did you notice how i switched the saying from "time is money" to "time is yummy" because of the reference to icing??...did you get that?? ugh, i crack myself up a little too much, i guess}

a letter

2011-06-06T09:42:00.003-04:00

dear sweet baby girl,

you are curled safely inside my body, completely unaware of the milestone that we've reached today...your journey with us started 24 weeks, 4 days ago which is exactly one day longer than i've ever been pregnant. i'm so happy to share this with you, my girl.

i couldn't sleep last night...

i felt so free to dream and plan for you...

we will have such a fun life together.

i keep picturing you in there...because of your big brother, i know what your skin feels like...i know it's soft...i know it's still a bit translucent...i know your eyes are sealed shut, but underneath those tiny lids, you have the darkest pupils with almost no whites to be seen yet. i can feel you move and know that your movements are slower and more gentle than they actually feel. i know you are perfect.

i could smile all day thinking of you....and sometimes, i do.

i hope you feel how much your daddy and i love you, baby. we always will.

we waited a long time for you and feel so grateful for each day we've had with you already.

i've been missing your brother a lot lately...i so wish he could have been here for all of this. i can't wait to tell you all about him...and through all my stories, i hope that i can clarify some things that can be confusing about God. Sweet Baby, His plans are mysterious but not to be feared....His plan for you is far more amazing than we can imagine...Grandpa has always said that "life is an adventure"...it truly is! and sometimes the adventure isn't always fun and can sometimes be scary, but as long as you're in His Will...you'll be ok. Mommy isn't a risk taker...but if i can teach you anything, it would be to risk it ALL for Him.

Mykenzie, we love you with all our hearts...we were never scared to love you too much.

You've had all of us from the beginning.

it would be better if each day were wrapped with paper and a bow

2011-05-17T11:54:00.006-04:00

few things can compare to the elation i feel being pregnant with Mykenzie...

{i love her name}

in fact, the only thing that has even come close is being pregnant with Zachary...

there's something to be said about having life grow inside you...

and literally, God could have done it without me, but He chooses to use our bodies as a living pod for our babies...He invites us into the the creative art of life-making...what a gift! truly! i can think of very little that has brought as much joy into my life as the squirmy flips that Mykenzie seems to use to almost speak morse code reminding me that

today everything is ok...

i'm grateful.

i feel like Zachary taught us to love each other...and in the same way, Mykenzie will teach us to love each other even more...to put someone else's needs before our own...to be a family...

nothing is forgotten about Zachary...in fact, we remember our love for him even more...and some days, the pain feels so fresh and new...however, the pain of losing him could never compare to the love we have for him even still....and the love we share for Mykenzie.

loving & loss

2011-05-03T13:31:00.003-04:00

i always expected it to be hard to love our second baby knowing the pain of losing our first...

it's not.

i almost feel like we love Mykenzie with all the love we would normally have had with the additional lifetime of love we would have given to Zachary. we decided early on, that loving less doesn't mean hurting less or even being scared less...and if something was to happen, i'd rather know that i loved her with my whole being every single day...and so that's what we do...we tell her we love her, we get giddy excited over ultrasounds, tutus, and pink things...we wait to feel squirms and kicks...we make plans for her nursery...we make plans for our future...

i'm 20 weeks this week and i'm starting to feel the anxiety creaping in...but i'm confident still that 20 weeks means i'm half way there...and NOT almost done.

name

2011-04-21T14:11:00.007-04:00

when i think about how special My relationship is right now with baby girl, i can't help but think about how special our relationship is with our Heavenly Father...especially when it comes to the matter of names. with zachary, we had a few boy names picked, but we knew his name for sure when it was obvious he was arriving soon.

i've known Baby Girl's name for quite some time now and it's so fun to know something that no one (except a few others...and by this point, maybe you...hint, hint) know...it's so sneaky...

...but when i think about God...(yeah, the God of the Universe)...knowing MY NAME...that's Just Amazing!!

what's more?? my name was written in the book of life before the creation of the world?? (Rev 17:8) what?? yup, so not only did He know my name...but He intimately knew me!

i just don't see it happening...

2011-04-21T10:25:00.003-04:00

i get new pocketbooks all the time...i get super excited about it, use it for a week or two; but it inevitably always ends up on my closet floor...

i get bored with my hairstyle...if i have short hair, i want long...

and you guessed it, if i have long, i need short...

i get cravings for food and continue to eat them until the thought of eating it again literally makes me ill...

i consume my brain with hobbys, initially investing numerous hours into it until i get bored and need to move on to something new...

i get bored at work....ALL. THE. TIME.

but one thing i don't think i could ever get bored with is

dreaming of Baby Girl...it's an impossibility...

i think about her all day long... i imagine her face...the sound of her voice...i'm looking forward to finally having someone to color with on my restaurant placemats...i look forward to finally having a reason to go on the kiddie rides at Six Flags...

i have a feeling, i'm going to be getting much fewer strange glances directed my way...

i just don't see myself ever getting bored with her.

i love this little girl! i know that every day i've gotten with her has been a true gift...and i so look forward to holding her hand while we walk across the street.

perks

2011-04-14T14:46:00.005-04:00

being labeled "high risk" is annoying...only depending on who's doing the labeling...when it's my doctor, it gives me a sense of security...it's like, "hmm...she knows i need her to pay attention to me"...it's incredibly reassuring to have that on the front page of my file :)

another perk to this label is bi-monthly ultrasounds...mine started at 16 weeks and will continue until delivery. i may even get to go every week leading up to week 24. with all the stress that comes with the label, it's rewarding to see my baby growing in front of my eyes.

so, this past monday, my husband and i anxiously went for our first ultrasound since the tadpole-looking days...we knew that being 16 plus however many days along that we might be able to find out whether "it" is a "he" or "she"...

the ultrasound tech preceded to spread the usual messy concoction all over my stomach all while commenting on how modest my baby is...this will be good in the future, post-utero stages; but right then, i was looking for a serious reveal... i reluctantly began understanding that we probably weren't gonna get the tell-all pictures we were hoping for when all of a sudden we heard these sweet words:

you're having a baby girl!!

baby girl? baby girl?!?!

...that was 3 days ago...since then i've been tailspinning in a world of baby beautifulness...pink Red Sox hoodie, cutie owl onesies, crib bedding...

i'm hopelessly

in love

with this baby girl

(and all her accessories).

...and i'll see her sweet face again on April 27th...i already can't wait.

hope in pain

2011-04-04T12:34:00.002-04:00

i remember going back to work after zachary passed away...

...i was there, but i wasn't there... i felt as though i was living in some other alternate universe where all i felt was pain and no one noticed...it seemed life went on for every one else...because when does life ever stop?? wouldn't it be nice to just pause life when tragedy strikes? but usually, the demands of life keep us forging ahead, however fake our attempt may be to get through the day.

...i've realized recently that although i felt very alone...i know (i KNOW) that i never was. life can't stop, but it doesn't mean people weren't thinking of me, praying for me,

sighing on my behalf....

...i realized this the last couple of weeks watching my father after he lost his twin brother. my heart desperately hurts for him and i miss the connection he had with him. part of me wishes life would stop so that my dad knows how much we are sharing in his pain...because i know for him, he's probably feeling the same way i did.

i'm so thankful that Heaven is for real! it's not an imaginary crutch used by people grasping for some positive outlook when dealing with the issues of losing someone...it's a REAL place...where my REAL God lives...and i can't wait to see it all.

in my mind, i long to be there to see zachary again...but i really believe that once i'm there, seeing him will be a minor attraction of heaven...i think i may just be distracted by meeting Jesus face-to-face. it's a comfort knowing that zachary KNOWS Jesus...he even knows His face...and that's cool to me...the same is true for my uncle.

...can't wait to see them both again.

upgrade

2011-03-28T10:35:00.004-04:00

i will gladly trade sitting at a desk...

...for sitting on the floor.

i will gladly trade my paycheck....

....for wet, sloppy kisses.

i will gladly trade night school...

...for teaching my kids during the day.

i will gladly trade my social schedule...

...for one ruled by play dates.

i will gladly trade a booth for two...

...for a table for two adults and a high chair.

i will gladly trade peace and quiet...

...for chaos and noise.

i will gladly trade cute clutches...

...for diaper bags.

i will gladly trade wearing white...

...for wearing black to cover boogers and food splatter.

i will gladly trade sleep...

...for midnight feedings.

i will gladly trade personal creative time...

...for time teaching my kids to create.

i will gladly trade my dog...

...for my kids.

...because you never know...

2011-03-17T15:45:00.002-04:00

hey, you know that person that just cut you off on the highway? yeah, that guy!...and then you beaped at him for 5 minutes while returning the favor?

...maybe he's on his way to the hospital to say "goodbye" to a loved one.

you know the customer service representative that just had an attitude with you?...and then you put her in her place and reported her to her supervisor?

...maybe her daughter is being treated for cancer.

you know the person who dresses bad and has body odor? yeah, the person we just laughed about?

...maybe he's living in his car.

Some people go through life collecting "junk" and are just waiting for someone to "dump" it on...i'd hate to be that kind of person! and some people...MANY people...have real issues...and because you just can't know, we should treat each other with love.

11 weeks

2011-03-03T14:37:00.004-05:00

i'm 11 weeks today and somehow i feel like i'll be mentally exhausted by the time i make it past 24...i feel sort of like i'm in a brutal countdown...just waiting for something "bad" to happen...there have already been a few scary moments to this pregnancy and every time, it takes me back to the moment when i realized i was saying goodbye to zachary...part of me feels too weak to be able to handle reliving that over and over again...even if it's only in my head, nevermind in reality.

however, nate insists that this baby is "our good thing"....which coincidentally is part of my favorite verse that helped me the last 2 1/2 years while trying...he didn't even know.

"for the LORD GOD is a sun and shield. The Lord gives grace and glory. no good thing does He withhold from them who walk uprightly" Psalm 84:11

i really do feel like i'm gonna need a lot of grace in the upcoming months....a lot of mental rest...

my first goal is two parts: 1. pray more...2. look for answers on the internet less

that darn internet gets me in trouble every time!

this would be a lot easier if my brain didn't keep trying to get in the way...i just already love this baby so much.

answered

2011-02-24T12:23:00.004-05:00

i'm loving this year so far!

first, although difficult to go through, we were able to see my father recover from open heart surgery. it was a huge blessing to find so much support from our church family. you find out who you can lean on when going through a tough time.

second, i completed my first semester of classes at RISD...loved it, loved it, loved it!!

third, nate and i found out we're having a baby!!!!!! woo hoo!!!! once again, we were overwhelmed with the love and support that we received from our church family. we received a wide spectrum of responses from our news...whether it was literal screeches of joy, spontaneous tears, or even peeing your pants a little (your secret is safe, no worries)...it was obvious to us that we were never alone in our journey. you were right there with us, partnering with us through prayer as usual. what a joy to share in answered prayer!!

God is so cool! i mean, after all the things we tried to "make" it happen, He did it in His own time...a very pleasant surprise after being told by doctors that there was almost no chance it would happen without their help...

we disagreed...considering we got pregnant with zachary without their help so we knew it was possible...but we knew it could take a long, long time.

after a baby boom at our church, we concluded to set up another appt with the specialist...the earliest i could make it because of my school schedule was january 28...thankfully, i was able to joyfully cancel that appt.

i don't feel at all like this should have happened 2 years ago or whatever... i really do feel like it happened "on time"...amazing to think that God's timing has brought together the exact chromosomes necessary to give us the exact child destined for us.

i'm 10 weeks today and couldn't be more tired or moody....but i'm soooo thankful to be feeling that again.

pray for us! pray for baby w!!! he/she needs to stay super comfortable for a very long time!

what a month!

2011-02-01T13:08:00.004-05:00

january was craaaazy! thus the reason i've been away...

for starters, i made the decision to go back to school. i figure, there's so many things in my life that i can't control...i might as well do something about the things i can....and educating myself and putting myself in a better position career-wise is definitely a step in the right direction of no longer feeling "stuck".

also scheduled for january was my dad's heart catherterization. late in december, dad had a stress test and was diagnosed with coronary heart disease (hereditary....better start keeping my ticker in tip top shape). they told him he needed the catheterization and possibly stents and wanted to do it somewhat immediately, but because of holidays and the family vacationing etc, it ended up being put off for about 2 weeks.

we know that catheterizations and stents are very common procedures....but however common they are, it's still very scary to see someone you love have to go through any kind of heart procedure...i mean, remember....the heart is what pumps life into your body!

turns out, while they were doing the catheterization, they realized they couldn't do the stents...the blockages were too big and he needed a triple bypass...they scheduled it for the next day and we were terrified....terrified, but still trusting God. it's scary to think of all the things that could go wrong....and my mind definitely found itself dwelling on those things....afterall, this is the age my grandfather was when he died of heart complications...all of a sudden, i realized i didn't tell my dad i love him enough...which is weird...because our family practically hugs and kisses and tells each other we love each other even if we're just leaving the room....but somehow, it didn't seem like enough.

my dad seemed at peace with every thing...i guess a point comes when you realize you don't really have control over a situation anyways and you have to just give it up to God and know He's in control...i think this happened for all of us this week.

we ate and ate and ate at the hospital....after hours of waiting in the surgical waiting room, there's really nothing to do besides eat....so eat we did! we happen to be ridiculous fans of cafeteria food. i could actually go for some right now!!

the doctor finally came out and i couldn't understand a word he was saying...his accent was...chinese or korean...not really sure, but he smiled and that's all i cared about....because bad news isn't usually greeted with a smile.

while in surgery, they found a fourth blockage and so they gave him QUADRUPLE BYPASS...holy moly! that's a far stretch from catheterization! we got to see him soon after and....well, that was scary! tubes...eh...i have hospital anxiety anyways!

we are so thankful that the doctors found these blockages before he suffered a major heart attack...which they said was likely and imminent...he may not have recovered from that!

we are also so thankful for prayer...prayer is a privilege...prayer unites us with God and with other believers...prayer has power....power which is almost indefinable...

we are thankful for our family...and not just our immediate family...our a WHOLE family! we belong to a large church and our church really knows how to love....but it extends even beyond our own church....literally, hundreds of people outside of our church were praying for dad...and that's amazing...that's God!

my dad is currently on the mend and trying to take it easy. praise God for His care!

thank you to every one that prayed!

school, hospital visits, work, church and other things mixed in.....what a crazy month full of answered prayer!!!

john 3:16

2010-12-17T10:06:00.003-05:00

i was reading my friend's blog a few weeks back and she posted a story she saw in an email forward...i loved it! and here's the story....i'm paraphrasing, but you could read it here.

it was a warm day when a father and his son arrived home...the boy was so excited to be able to go swimming in the lake that day...so excited that as he got out of the car, he headed directly to the water and jumped in with his clothes on and swam to the center of the lake. the father, who had a better view from land, saw that his son was in danger and immediately began yelling and waving his arms for his son to come back to him. the son heard the father and made a 360 back towards his dad. he reached land, but as his dad reached to lift him out of the water, an alligator got a hold of his legs and a torturous game of tug-of-war took place. an alligator is obviously no match for a man, but the father had passion the alligator didn't have. this was his son...and no alligator was gonna take that from him. eventually, a farmer heard the noise and came to help and the alligator released the grip of the boy's legs. he was rushed to the hospital and thankfully recovered. the local news was all over this heroic story. one reporter asked the young boy if they could see his scars...he uncovered his legs to show them all. but then he said, "but look at my arms!!"....his arms were a testimony of the passionate grip of his father who loved him so much that his fingers dug into his arm. i bet that boy was never unsure of his father's love because he has a permanent reminder.

i loved this story because because i, just like you, have scars...some of them are physical...i have burns, scars from falling, scars from surgery...some are emotional...and some are spiritual...but they all tell a story of where i've been and what i've survived.

the bible tells us in 1 peter 3:15 to always be ready to answer for the hope we have.

the answer for the hope i have is that God loves me passionately.

i love God, but i love Him because He first loved me...it would be awesome if i could claim that i did something to earn God's love...that i did something to make the God of the Universe, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, love me....

....but it's incredibly reassuring to know that i don't have to....

His love is shown to us first in creation....He created us for His pleasure, but He also knew that we would let Him down sometimes...He knew we wouldn't stay perfect...but He was ok with initiating a relationship with someone like me...He created me anyways....and continues to work in me. that's pretty neat.

His love is shown to us in His birth...born to die...He knew it all along...He'd have to die for His creation...He willingly did so...what an incredible story of a King that became a baby...the most humbling way to start...(i often wonder what Jesus' thoughts were as a baby...were they as simple as ours probably were...or were they ponderings of His great future He had planned, the miraculous plan of our redemption).

His love is shown to us on the cross..."For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Begotton Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" John 3:16...He paid a debt that we could never pay. (Thank You for that sacrifice.)

as this year closes, my thoughts are on His love...i'm thankful His grip is ferocious and that His love for me is passionate...i'm thankful for my scars. they are proof of my survival. they are proof He's stronger. if it wasn't for His love, i would have died by the fury of sin, depression, obssessive thoughts, fear, anxiety and grief.

what are you thankful for today? what have you learned this year?

just a thought saved in my draft folder

2010-12-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

everyone goes through trials...Christian or not...there are troubles in this life, for sure...

it's common to be able to praise God AFTER the trial has passed.

it's so easy to see God's faithfulness to us once we see the end result.

it's one of those instances when hindsight is 20/20...things always seem to make more sense when it's in the past. we look back and we try to connect the dots...looking for "reasons" that things happen.

but my question is this: isn't faith "the substance of things HOPED for, the evidence of things NOT SEEN?"?!

shouldn't faith sustain us BEFORE the trial has passed?

shouldn't we, who have faith, know to the very core of our being that God has already been faithful to us?

do we really need the trial to pass in order to give Him praise?

do we miss the benefit of the trial? that a trial leads us to courage, endurance, faith?

do we miss that trials strengthen our character, molding us into a usable work of art?

shouldn't we praise Him, in advance, FOR the trial because we know it will work out according to His plan??

i need to resolve my faith before trying to resolve the trial.

the question

2010-12-10T22:18:00.003-05:00

i can hear it coming before it's even spoken...the question that is inevitably asked after meeting someone new...it always happens after a series of other common, "safe" questions...

so, where do you live?
how long have you gone to church here?
oh, you are married?
how long have you been married?
oh!! six and half years?!?!

and then here it is--

do you have any kids??

errr....this question is not meant to be a trick question, but for some reason, Nate and I don't always know how to answer it. the fact is, he's a father and i'm a mother....but we aren't a mommy and a daddy anymore...

we could answer "yes" but then that launches a series of other questions...

how many do you have?
boy or girl?
how old?

we could answer "no" but then that leaves us with this nasty, guilty feeling that we denied zachary's existence and his very prominent belonging in our lives!

we could answer "yes, he lives in Heaven", but that opens us up to a serious and possibly emotional conversation with someone who is most likely a complete stranger.

sometimes the answer depends on the situation and setting...my answer might be different talking to a stranger in the aisle at Target then someone who just lost a loved one.

tonight, we answered "no" and it hurt....and i hated it....and i miss him.

image and perspective

2010-12-07T15:37:00.004-05:00

we joke that i grew up living in a cocoon..."the cocoon years"...years of hideous outfits, puffy, short hair, horrible teeth that were too big for my face, bad choice of glasses...oh, the list could go on and i have school pictures to prove it (although i've noticed that the year my "cocoon-ness" peaked, there's no picture to prove it...was i too busted to justify the money spent on that picture?!?! :)

although i gained control of hairstyles and eye wear, and my face fortunately grew to fit my teeth....i still always felt sorta dorky. i grew a TON between 6th and 7th grade! i was one of the shortest kids in 6th grade and that summer i became one of the tallest in my class. i had to be on the back row of our class picture with all the boys. i ALWAYS thought i was fat!!! ALWAYS! that's a ridiculous notion now that i look back at pictures of myself! i think i thought this because of who i was comparing myself to...other girls that had completely different body types than me...i was always thin in highschool, but i was tall...so that automatically made me feel awkward and larger than i was in reality.

anyways! i was thinking about how the perspective i have towards my body has changed as i have grown up...my body went from something that i compared to others and never thought was good enough to so much more.

after i had zachary, i realized that my body was a home for my child. it's pretty sobering to realize that God gave us the ability to nuture life right inside ourselves. so, i stopped comparing my body and started trying to make it the best home it could possibly be.

after realizing my difficulty with growing our family, my perspective changed again. my body is a temple. seriously, the Holy Ghost dwells inside me! what?!?! this has been a spiritual battle even more than it's been a physical one.

so, of course, i'd still like to be a size 6 some day...i'm a girl! my personal expectations will always be there! but, i've noticed motivation has definitely changed. i want to be different, but not because i think i'm not good enough "as is"...but because i want to be the best "me" for my baby and my God. i want to be healthy to be able to nurture my baby...i want to be strong so i can use my body to it's fullest capacity...i want to maintain health so that the time i spend living is quality...i want to have energy to do things for God...

p.s. i haven't had burger king, mcdonalds, dunkin donuts, wendy's, taco bell, or kfc since MARCH!!! if you know my old eating habits, you know this is a huge achievement :)

fears and faith

2010-12-03T12:25:00.004-05:00

i have a long list of fears...here's a few for your reading pleasure:

people coughing/sneezing directly on me or into their hand and then shaking mine

vomit...terrified of this one

doctors...which is weird because i have one for every part of my body pretty much

cancer...because you might not know it's there until it's too late

rejection...because everyone loves to be accepted

failure...because i want to be really good at something

drowning...because...this is self-explanatory....

heights...because i don't want to fall

closed in spaces...because i love an easily accessible escape route

loneliness...because i love Nate so much...i never want to be without him

i have fears...a lot of them...more than what i listed here...

i have fears about my future...fears that i'll never have another child...fears that i've put other dreams on hold for so long and that one day, it will be too late....fears that i'll focus on one dream over another and i'll have regrets...

i've realized that the only reason these are fears is because there's some dark shadowing hovering over them...every one of these things invokes a feeling of uncertainty...

but...

here's my faith...and it's a short list:

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet

and a light unto my path".

God's word tell us that He'll supply light for each step...and i don't need to know what happens around the bend where the shadow is...yep, the road can be uncertain at times...and that's ok...because He'll supply the light i need to make sure my foot is in the right place.

waiting for the harvest

2010-11-17T17:28:00.003-05:00

a facebook friend of mine posted this status and i am in love with it...

‎"God will never send us into the valley and ask us to bow to His authority there without sooner or later bringing a harvest from the ground watered by our sweat and tears." ~Beth Moore

i've been in a valley for the last 3 years it seems and this quote is just a sweet reminder that there's a purpose for it!

being in a valley...
1. makes you recognize the mountain

2. humbles you, placing you in your proper place under God's authority

3. exhausts you, but worth the view from the mountaintop

4. brings God so near to us...near enough to capture those tears in a bottle.

5. reaps a harvest!!!!

God loves us so much and His plans are perfect!

...and I'll just keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the harvest...
BUT, i should keep my eyes open because the "fruit" might not look like how i expect...
God's plan might not be the same as my plan, but I'm confident that no matter what...
there will be fruit.

nothing is wasted.

2010-11-15T12:36:00.006-05:00

it's no surprise that the recent prayers for our baby have increased....or that the recent heaviness on my heart has coincided with the baby boom among my friends and zachary's anniversary of life.

plain and simple: i just really want a baby.

as if you didn't already know that.

there's something about the chaos that a newborn brings that seems so enticing.

i want all of it.

i'm incredibly happy for my friends. i love them...and i love their kiddos. but, fear creaps up and speaks words of doubt to me...doubt that i'll ever have my own to hold...doubt that i'll ever be able to have playdates...

doubt. it stinks.

enough said about that.

sometimes, a "congratulations" is painfully similar to an admission of the things i don't have...and it's painful to admit you want "more" out of your life (if that makes sense.)

the overwhelming positive i find is that God uses everything.

literally, nothing is wasted...

i love that.

Zachary's Feet

2010-11-03T23:16:00.001-04:00

You may have noticed that i added a picture of Zachary's feet in my sidebar. They are actual size on my computer...if they are just under 2 inches, they are actual size on yours.

It's pretty unbelievable that someone that small could be so complete.

"...fearfully and wonderfully made..." indeed!

eye contact

2010-10-18T10:12:00.004-04:00

maybe you've seen a mom do this before...it's likely that it's been done to you or that you've done it to your child....

the child is just misbehaving and not listening at all...or maybe the child is just restless and not paying full attention...but the mom will grab hold of the child's face with both hands, get some eye contact and repeat her orders.

it seems to work.

there are things in life that happen and it causes me to wonder if God is trying to get my attention or trying to get me to refocus.

is He holding my face and looking for eye contact?

it's true even in the case of Peter. Jesus was off praying alone and the boat went afar off into the water by the time He was done. He walked on the water towards the boat and the fisherman that knew Jesus became scared thinking that it was a ghost! the men KNEW Jesus personally and in some strange way, didn't recognize Him and didn't recognize His power. so Peter said, "if that's You, then command me to come to You on the water". Jesus replied, "come". so Peter got out of the boat and began walking towards Jesus. He was walking on water! Obviously, this is something supernatural that took place, but even in that moment when Peter was experiencing the power of God, he got distracted and focused on the wind and the crashing waves. the fear and circumstances of his experience began to trump the faith he had in the One that gave him the power to pass over the water without sinking!

let it not be said of me!

Peter cried out to Him and immediately Jesus reached out His hand.

all Peter needed was a little eye contact.

my goal is for others to witness me walking on water,

and just like the fisherman watching from the boat, they'll say...

"Truly, You are the Son of God"

this blog.

2010-10-05T12:39:00.002-04:00

i was talking with a friend today about different themes that people stick to while in blogworld...

there are the quiliting blogs, sewing blogs, general crafting blogs, photography blogs, family blogs, design blogs, spiritual blogs, ranting blogs...(blog is a weird "word" now).

i was saying that i typically write about zachary and don't usually share anything other that...there are no cute pictures or tutorials for fun crafts i'm working on....just the plain guts of the inner parts of my heart...i share my thoughts when i come to some resolution in my own heart...and that's why my posts are few and far between.

she said, "i'm sure you'll post about your future children".

....and that made me happy....

this blog has been an outlet for me to share the hope i've found after losing Zachary...

my readers, you've followed me when my grief was new...when i was standing in the front line of battle struggling to find some sense of reality after losing Zachary.

you've read about the victory i've found in Jesus...the peace He gives...my ability to rely on Him easier because i've felt the strength of His hands.

you've continued to read as i've struggled with the very personal pain of trying to grow our family...

my blog, just like my life, has gone through different phases...

and i look forward to the next phase to share alongside you.

outliving

2010-09-17T11:06:00.003-04:00

as i listened to my favorite Christian radio station this morning, KLOVE...i was touched to hear stories of "outliving your life"....basically, the idea of leaving a legacy.

i love the idea of a legacy. it reminds of Nichole Nordeman's lyrics:

"i want to leave a legacy

how will they remember me?

did i choose to love?

did i point to You enough

to make a mark on things?

i want to leave an offering,

a child of mercy and grace who

blessed Your Name unapologetically

and leave that kind of legacy.

i don't have to look too far or too long awhile

to make a lengthy list of all that i enjoy

it's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile

where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

not well-traveled, not well-read, not well-to-do or well bred

just want to hear instead,

"Well done, good and faithful one."

this idea of a legacy, is one of the reasons it's always my pleasure to share Zachary's story.

i can't talk about Zachary without pointing to Jesus...

it was His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that kept us sane...

without Him, i have no story worth mentioning.

interesting to me that typically we believe that most children outlive the lives of their parents...

that didn't happen in Zach's case...

but he DID outlive his own.

answers

2010-08-13T13:01:00.007-04:00

ever ask God something over and over and over again and wonder what the answer was?

i have.

i've asked God why He took Zach from us...and although there are many reasons that i know now, i don't think i'll have a complete perspective until Heaven...

sometimes answers come in the form of a test result...

sometimes they come in a form of answered prayer...

this time, mine was a combination of both!

this week, i got answers to "why aren't you giving me a baby?!"

...and i'm blown away by His sovereignty...

because by NOT answering that prayer the way i wanted,

He DID answer a different prayer of mine!

to protect my future baby.

when i think about the last two years of trying...

when i think about all the disappointment...

all the tears...

all the anger...

all the jealousy...

it's seems kinda silly!

because He knew better to answer the more important prayer.

none of those emotions would compare to the tremendous pain of losing another child,

which is what likely could have happened if i went untreated.

it's a really different feeling to be thankful that i didn't get pregnant the last two years.

after all the different treatments i tried that really should have worked...

they didn't...

and there's a perfectly good reason for it!

now, to fix the root problem!

Thank you, God for your answers...

and for showing me bits and pieces of your plan

even when You don't need to clue me in.

Continue to guide and lead us in our journey.

We put our trust You.

i need to get my facts straight.

2010-08-10T09:36:00.004-04:00

tomorrow, i take a BIG step...

you may not understand how big a step it is; but for me, it feels huge!

tomorrow, i tell my acupuncturist that i'm "taking a break".

not from her necessarily...but from "trying".

i'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me out of it...

that she's going to think that i'm "burning out"

and that i need some sort of convincing to keep trying....

but here's the thing:

there's a big difference between

GIVING UP and GIVING IN.

i'm making a concious, intentional decision

to actively surrender all the things

i use to trick my mind into thinking

i have some sort of control over having another child.

i know that God controls all things!

He has a plan for me

and knows the best possible scenario for our family.

anyways...

i know that my conviction to step back from acupuncture might not make sense to some...

including my acupuncturist!

i've seen some markable improvements because of my treatments...

and i love my acupuncturist and how she listens and treats me specifically.

but, i know that if i continue, i won't be completely surrendered.

(this post is for me...not for you...but you can read if you'd like :)

i'm just trying to get my facts straight before going in tomorrow.)

first, the last three years of our lives have been extremely stressful

with the loss of our son, Zachary...

the first year after losing him, we dealt with multiple levels of grief, anxiety and depression.

then we jumped right in to having another baby.

closed door.

i exchanged depression because of losing my child

for depression for possibly never being able to have one.

anxiety.

grief.

stress.

all over again.

i say i "exchanged" it but the emotions of losing Zachary

and not being able to have another one are very much intermingled.

sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and nurture the things you DO have...

i get tired of focusing my energy on obtaining something...

i feel it's hard for me to be content,

when i'm always reaching for something else.

i can't hug what i have...

when my hands are still reaching.

i have a hard time distinguishing what has been a physical condition,

and what has been a spiritual lesson.

C.S. Lewis once said,

"you don't have a soul. you are a soul.

you have a body."

no wonder, God uses our bodies to teach us some serious spiritual lessons.

the Bible tells us,

that without faith,

it's impossible to please God.

and then it tells us,

that "the testing of our faith produces steadfastness."

i'm not surprised that God allows certain trials in our lives.

it's hard to understand how a loving God could watch His child hurt;

but when you look at it from a Heavenly perspective....

God allows things to happen in our lives,

to make us steadfast in our faith...

to achieve our number one purpose of living-

to please HIM!

we were created for His pleasure.

He's not some giant puppet master, pulling the strings of our lives...

He's a loving, gentle Father that masterfully designs us

to KNOW HIM.

in the great scheme of things,

it doesn't matter if i have another child...

if i don't have another, i'll have no regrets in Heaven....

that's a Heavenly perspective!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self is wasting away,

our inner self is renewed day by day.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us

an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,

as we look not to the things that are seen

but to the things that are unseen.

For the things that are seen are transient,

but the things that are unseen are eternal."

it has always been my plan to remain proactive...

of course, my desire for a child will not go away.

God knows that.

He gave me that desire!!

and i think that trusting God

is the most proactive thing i can do!

wilderness and the promised land

2010-08-05T10:10:00.007-04:00

last night at church, pastor made a brief statement about how the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the promised land. he said that they were in this "stuck"/"wandering" condition because of their unbelief and continued to say that many died over the course of that 40 years without ever reaching the land that God promised them.

i couldn't help but relate to those Israelites...

wandering.....stuck....deserted....knowing that

God has something better planned,

but feeling like it's unattainable.

i've been thinking this past week or so that maybe...just maybe...i don't surrender completely to God's plan...maybe i have a belief problem...maybe i have a little bit of difficulty believing God's promises.

how terrifying to think that this waiting period...this wandering...this stuckness...could be a symptom of my disbelief...or even just the fact that i try too hard to control my circumstances.

i need to surrender.

i need to keep my eyes focused on what's promised.

hey! being in the wilderness isn't all bad!!

during the time of their wandering, the Israelites saw miracles happen...

the parting of the red sea

moses striking the rock bringing forth water

manna from heaven

the burning bush

i'm gonna keep my eyes open for those inevitable miracles....but for now, i'm submitting to the fact that God has a plan for me and i'm loosening my grip on the situations i'm trying to control.

i believe that when i surrender....the biggest miracle of all will happen.

the "promised land" looks pretty good from here...

i'll be there soon.

a reminder to myself

2010-07-30T12:58:00.005-04:00

it's so easy to praise God when things are good.

it's hard to do so when things aren't.

i'm determined....

to have peace.

to love God.

to embrace lessons learned.

to never stop growing.

to have faith.

to believe that...

"no good thing does the Lord withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

(psalm 84:11)

to hold on to Jesus.

to praise God.

it seems so easy when it's written out in list form...

let's see if i, by His strength, can make it happen.

miracles

2010-07-26T12:56:00.005-04:00

i've heard the argument before that childbirth is not a miracle

because it happens all the time.

a miracle is supposedly something mysterious...something like a pilot and co-pilot simultaneously having a heart attack but a passenger on the plane had just completed his pilot licensure and was able to land the plane.

something like that would be out of the ordinary, for sure...

but, i'm not sure it's any more significant than that of giving birth.

would it only be a miracle if it was someone who couldn't have a child that gave birth?

would it even be a miracle then?!

i refuse to be less amazed with a baby's first cry or the grip of it's hand...

God gives us life

and that means that life has been divinely and supernaturally given...

how is that NOT a miracle?!?!

a miracle should not be diminished by it's frequent occurence....

people are spontaneously healed from diseases every day...but we still call it a miracle!

so, life is given every day...let's call it what it is.

i fear that if we stop looking at life as what it really is,

it will be reduced to what it really isn't.

in the same way, i refuse to believe that miracles can't happen to me!

i took a look at all the miracles that Jesus did....apart from His own virgin birth and resurrection, He healed the blind, the lepers, the crippled, the deaf...raised people from the dead, turned water into wine, fed 5,000 people with enough food for one, calmed the sea, healed a severed ear, cast out demons, walked on water...

and saved my soul!!

how can i not trust Him to calm my storms, to provide for me when there's little, to heal my body?!? how could i praise Him for it and still believe it's commonplace?

help me not to become ignorant to God's

divine intervention in my life!

so, i'm gonna keep praying for my miracle because...

i believe in miracles because i believe in God.

"keep looking up...afterall, that's where miracles come from"

we are breaking up.

2010-07-20T14:22:00.013-04:00

dear love of my life,

we need to talk.

i love you.

i always have.

i always will.

i always thought this love was mutual....

but lately...

i'm noticing that you haven't been treating me the same as you use to.

when we were together, i use to feel happy and content...

and now i just feel guilt.

i know we shouldn't be together. it's just not a healthy relationship.

it seems to be take, take, take and you really give me nothing but little to no self-respect.

we've had some good times.

staying up til late in the night. watching movies. secretly meeting in the bathroom.

you've gotten me through some hard times too...

emotional meltdowns, break ups, mid-terms...

you've always been there for me to depend on.

i know i just saw you a few moments ago and could have told you this in person.

i apologize for this public humiliation.

you really do make my heart beat a little bit faster.

i know i'll miss you more.

and in my weakness, i may want to return to you.

maybe it's because i'm getting older and i'm changing...maybe i expect too much...

maybe i know i deserve more.

but for now, Chocolate, we are through.

this is just the way it has to be.

warmly,

jaclyn, a secret fatty

when the wait is over...

2010-07-13T10:47:00.005-04:00

i could take a break from sucking in my stomach. i could use a break from that.

i could start liking my outfits instead of thinking..."this outfit would be so cute...IF my stomach was a baby and not bloated fattiness".

i could feel guilt-free about not exercising...afterall, i'll have to take it easy.

i could justify eating ice cream everyday as my dairy.

i could get away with having chipped toe nail polish...i wouldn't be able to reach my feet anyways.

i could get away with not shaving my legs???....um, probably couldn't get away with that one for long.

most of all...

i could see the flicker of life on an ultrasound screen before the heartbeat is even audible.

i could hear the swirly sound of my baby's heart pumping life into his little body.

i could feel kicks and squirms.....i so long to feel kicks and squirms again.

i could decorate his nursery...marking a physical home for him.

i could have a baby shower...anticipating his arrival!

i could hold my baby!!!

i CAN'T WAIT for the wait to be over!

secretly, i hope i win this...

2010-06-08T00:09:00.001-04:00

check out a great giveaway here!

amazing love!

2010-06-02T21:49:00.005-04:00

Every Thursday night, I can be found with a bunch of girls studying the book of Daniel. It's just a small chapter of God's great love letter to us. I challenged myself to actually complete the entire 12 week study without fizzling...I think I'm on week 4.

If interested in checking out the study, It's "Daniel: Lives of Integrity; Words of Prophecy" by Beth Moore.

Anyways, I was reading through this week's homework and I love when things stick out! For me, things that stick out should be noted since most times I'm a skimmer when reading.

She wrote, ".....Not a pagan king like Nebuchadnezzar, but a king after God's own heart. King David has sinned grievously against God by committing adultery with Bathsheba and having her husband, Uriah, killed in battle. Furthermore, David refused to own up to his sin for months."

So, obviously that's just an excerpt and you wouldn't really get her point, but here's my point:

David was a "man after God's own heart"?? Does anyone else find this odd?! That David, an adulterer, a murderer...a conspirer....was the best that God could find?!?!

I love, love, love that God loves us despite the ugliness of our sin. Christ came to save us, but He came when we were still sinners. He came to redeem us. It's quite frankly amazing to think about!!

We are so limited with our understanding of love and forgiveness!!

The apostle Paul shares some beautiful insights about unbelief vs. God's redeeming love:

Romans 11:11-23

vs. 17--->But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree, do not be arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you. Then you will say, "Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in". That is true. They were broken off because of their unbelief, but you stand fast through faith. So do not become proud, but fear. For if God did not spare the natural branches, neither will he spare you. Note then the kindness and severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God's kindness to you, provided you continue in His kindness. Otherwise you too will be cut off. And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again. <---vs. 23

Thank you, God for the mysteries of Your redeeming love!

simplify

2010-05-17T10:18:00.003-04:00

recently, nate and i have made important decisions to actively simplify our lives. the last three years of our lives have been...complicated...complex...not any more.

circumstances did not pan out the way we intended or desired, but hey! that's ok with us! we are trusting in God's plan and we know that it's much better than what our limited brains could conjure up.

we moved into an apartment which puts us in a much better position from every angle. i'd go into more detail, but internet, i don't trust you so much :)

anyways, my point...

as we moved (and continue to move since we aren't completely finished yet), we had to make decisions on what stuff we were gonna bring with us. we moved all of our necessary stuff over to the apartment and have been doing fine without the rest...the fact is, we still have a house full of junk that we literally don't even need or use. i found myself holding an item in my hand and trying to convince myself that i DON'T need it and that i DO need it at the same time...sorta multiple personalities of me. my only argument on both sides is "i haven't used this in 5 years, BUT what if i NEED this next week".

new starts call for simplification...don't bring the same junk with you.

confession:

three years ago, i stopped praying.

well, i still prayed, but nothing like what i use to.

i lost intimacy.

intimacy with my Best Friend.

i prayed fervently at my little man's bedside...i was devastated that God didn't answer my prayers according to my desires. but, my desire isn't what prayer is all about.

i'm learning that.

i stopped praying because i began to feel that prayer was a risk. prayer is hopeful. and hope is a gamble sometimes.

does hope lead to a bigger devastation?? i think that's what i thought.

not anymore.

prayer simplifies things. negativity, hopelessness, self-pity.....they complicate things.

i cannot simply rely on the fact that God knows my desires, my thoughts, my needs. He longs to know me daily...for me to know Him. the Bible says that the prayers of a righteous person accomplishes a lot! i want to be productive in my prayer life.

so, maybe prayer doesn't change circumstances,

but prayer certainly changes me.

out with the old; in with the new

the game of LIFE

2010-05-10T12:00:00.004-04:00

i stink at playing games. i always have. my brother and i use to play games all the time. he taught me how to play chess and checkers, monopoly, uno, knock hockey, fireball island....

all these games are different. the common denominator is that i lost every time and cried hysterically every time. i'm the worst loser.

my life lately has reminded me of the feeling of getting run over by a rogue fireball, getting my hand smacked by a hockey stick, drawing four, getting sent directly to jail without passing "go", and getting check mated...

basically, i feel like i'm losing at this game of life. while everyone else out there is setting goals and becoming winners....i'm stuck being the loser.

i'm behind bars watching everyone pass "go" and collect $200...they even pick up beauty contest awards from community chest...they yell out "uno" and it just so happens to be their color....

when i think about it...i've probably learned more about life by being a loser than i probably would have if i was always a winner.

does this sound like a pity party?? um, probably....but i'm admitting this because i'm changing my ways...

i have to learn to take the hits when they keep coming. Faith, Family and Friends....that's all i need to make my life worth while. (hahaha...that just reminded me of "the jerk" with Steve Martin...."and this chair! and that's all i need...and this lamp...and that's all i need! the chair and the lamp and this thermos! and that's all i need!...sorry, serious sidenote)

instead of submitting to the urge to only feel emptiness, i'm going to start filling that emptiness with faith, family and friends.

this is my 100th post :)

2010-04-22T14:49:00.003-04:00

ever read the bible and feel like you got hit with a bunch of truth? check out this chapter in Romans 1:

(v18)For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and diving nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.

For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures....

(v25) for they exhanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

Thank you, God, for allowing us to know you through Your creation. To see your handiwork in nature and in our own images...who could say there is no God? Thank you for being a knowable God. Thank you that I can have a real, growing, constant relationship with You. Guard my heart from the lies and deceptions of this world so that my heart will not be darkened and hardened to Your light. Thank you for Your unchangeable Truth. Amen.

2 Timothy 4

2010-03-09T14:58:00.003-05:00

"Preach the Word;

be ready in season and out of season;

reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching,

but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves

teachers to suit their own passions,

and will turn away from listening to the truth and

wander off into myths.

As for you,

always be sober-minded,

endure suffering,

do the work of an evangelist,

fulfill your ministry."

2010-02-23T11:45:00.001-05:00

"Anything that can be

will be

shaken

until only YOU

remain"

....and that's all i need.

dancing with my eyes closed

2010-02-22T09:55:00.005-05:00

Stephen Curtis Chapman used his creative expertise to dedicate an entire album to his adopted daughter Maria Sue. She was tragically killed in a home accident a few years ago....and his honesty is overwhelming in this cd...he put into songs emotions that i could never put into words.

The song that the album is named after has these lyrics and they are constantly in my head lately...

"Out of these ashes,

Beauty will rise...

and I will dance among the ruins

I'll see it with my own eyes"

I can't help but consider the magnitude of what it means to "dance among the ruins".....to, regardless of circumstances, praise God for the "ruins" because you KNOW He will make something incredibly beautiful from it. Such sweet abandonment in the arms of our Saviour!

footprints

2010-02-17T17:52:00.006-05:00

when we first moved into this house, we noticed a cat that daily rested outside our door on the second floor. nate hated this cat....it scared us as we exited.....it slept on the hood of our car.....it lurked in our backyard.....anyways, for a long time, we didn't see it....

but then, it snowed....

....and little cat footprints lead from the street to the car...to the backyard...to the steps....to our door.

stupid cat.

we are dog people.

my point is this:

if it wasn't for the snowstorm, we would have never seen the tracks...we would have never known that the cat was still alive.....it would have left no impact on us at all...if i didn't see the tracks, i would have never thought, "hmmm...i wonder what that cat is up to?" or "i wonder where that stupid cat lives" or "that cat better not be scratching the hood of the car".

and then i wonder....

if it wasn't for the storms in my life....maybe I wouldn't leave any tracks either.

"oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
may the fire of our devotion light their way
may the footprints that we leave
lead them to believe
and the lives we live, inspire them to obey"

notes to self; prayers to God

2010-02-08T15:02:00.003-05:00

last night, i perused the pages of the Bible i was reading a little over 2 years ago....it was a brand-new Bible at the time; but now it's torn...passages are underlined....notes are written in the side column.

it brought me back to a time that i hungered to be in His Word....i needed it....i needed it to focus my mind....to give me pure material to meditate on....to keep me on the right path....to ruthlessly trust my Saviour.....to convince me that His plan is better than mine.....to remind me that He isn't finished with me yet.

it dawned on me that 2 years ago, i felt the farthest from God that i ever have before that time; but the pages of my Bible prove otherwise. the words i wrote weren't words of someone who was not close to God....or didn't know Him....they were the words of someone who was clinging to Him.

those dark days were intimidating and honestly, some days i would have rather died; but how much more i appreciate His Light and life now! Jesus came to give us life and life MORE abundantly!

today, the Bible i use has very few underlined sections...very rarely do i see a note....i'm not saying that this is a mark of a non-growing Christian...i'm just noticing that my darkest hour was the hour that Jesus shined brightest.....and although i felt that God was not near, it seems He was right there all along.

senses

2010-01-18T14:02:00.007-05:00

taste. feel. touch. sound. sight.

it's amazing how God designed us with senses that help us take advantage of His creation...we can witness a flock of birds bursting out of a tree, aligning themselves into the perfect "v" formation....we can be brought to another country by tasting the palette of flavors in any cuisine...we can be reminded of our childhood teddy bear by brushing our skin up against a familiar texture...

i love that the smell of my lipgloss brings me back to the nicu...i obsessively applied my lipgloss while in the nicu and the smell of it now reminds me of the days that zachary was still here with us...i refuse to switch flavors and i don't know what i'll do when Bath & Body no longer makes it...

i hate the smell of purell...it reminds me of how much i had to un-contaminate myself before even seeing him...it just reminds me that i didn't get to hold him...BUT, it also reminds me of how excited i use to feel knowing that washing our hands in the scrub down room meant we were going to see him.

i love that there's a small part on nate's forehead that feels just like zachary's....it's the part right before the hair line that has that baby hair feel...

i love that i have pictures to help remind me of those days....

but i hate that staring at them can never bring him back. i can stare at the only picture i have of me kissing zachary on the forehead, but nothing can bring me back to that kind of physical closeness with him (while i'm still here on earth, of course...)

today kinda stinks. i miss my little man...

i'm thankful for my senses that bring me back to him.

i've been delurking myself all week

2010-01-09T11:23:00.004-05:00

CALLING ALL LURKERS!!! Now is the time to come out of those dark corners of the internet and boldly pronounce that you've found some kind of interest in reading my random thoughts...Yes, you check in monthly, weekly...or maybe even daily and you read what should be just scribbles in a notebook....You've been found out! I know you are out there! You are more than welcome to peruse the pages of this site in complete privacy, but I beckon to you to disclose your identity by taking 2 seconds to leave a comment!

As always, thanks for reading my blog! I just want to get to know who's out there so I can follow you too!!!

coincidence?!?!

2010-01-07T11:37:00.002-05:00

i made a resolution (more on this later) to read the whole Bible in a year....granted, i have other facebook friends that have decided to do it in 90 days which kinda makes my commitment look kinda shabby; but regardless, it's a commitment! i chose my reading plan at YouVersion.com. you can also set up an account and read along with me...i chose the "life journal reading plan"...which schedules you to read the old testament once and the new testament twice in year...i tried to do this last year, but got stumped somewhere in the middle of Leviticus

anyways, i was totally blessed yesterday as i was reading because technically, it was my first day.....yes, you read that right....my resolution was already failing only 6 days into the new year so I had a lot of catching up to do....

i started with the chapters i was scheduled to read in Genesis and what do you think it had for me there?! well, they were the chapters where Abraham and Sarah doubt that God would bless them with the many children promised to them......and what about the chapters i was scheduled to read in Luke?!?! it was the chapters where Elizabeth who was barren found out she conceived John and Mary found out about the miraculous conception of Jesus......

my heart was happy when i realized that miracles STILL happen....

my hope is that at the end of my life, it can be said "BY FAITH, Jaclyn dealt with many dark days, the grief of losing her son, the hardship caused by poor decisions, the fear of failure, anxiety over the future......and because of her FAITH, she NEVER lost sight of God's love and the HOPE He offers so freely....because of her salvation, she stands firm upon the promise of Heaven where all wrongs will be made right and there is no more tears...despite her circumstances, she always remained confident in God's bigger purpose"

so.....that sounded like a eulogy but you get my point :)

rising or setting

2010-01-04T13:00:00.004-05:00

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.

i think in word pictures

2009-12-28T10:42:00.004-05:00

This whole time, I felt like I was on an icy lake...I was carrying a very large burden and I was scared that the extra weight would break the ice...At first, I stayed close to the shore because I knew that at any moment I could jump off to safety...there was also a Man on the shore that I knew would reach out His hand if the ice started to crack...In fact, the ice DID crack and instead of reaching my hand out for His, I ran away from crack further towards the center of the frozen lake, holding on to my burden as though it could be a life preserver with an impossible delusion that I could out run the crack...Before long, the growing crack reached my feet and I lost confidence in the ice and my burden. The further from the shore I got, the thinner and more uncertain the icy terrain became until I finally came to the end of myself and decided that I had to face the crevasse that separated me from the shore head on...of course, I couldn't take my burden with me on my return trek ...the weight of it would surely break the ice...so I let go of it and left it in the center of the lake...I didn't carefully watch my step, I ran with speed to the shore and reached for His hand.

a long quote from a favorite

2009-12-26T13:36:00.002-05:00

"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. she asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."

She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

"We ourselves have known and put our trust in God's love toward ourselves." (John 4:16)

Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.

.......

Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen."

desert vs dessert

2009-12-15T12:02:00.005-05:00

when i was a kid, i learned a lot of fun ways to remember how to spell things...for instance, NECESSARY is Norman Eats Candy, Eggs, Sardine Sandwiches and Raw Yolks (gross)....SEPARATE- you always want to be sepArate from A RAT (get it?)....

a lot of spelling i learned from cheerleading too...i will never forget how to spell PSYCHED, AGGRESSIVE, or SUCCESS...ever!

the way i remember the difference between desert and dessert is the secret found in the s's...

the one with two s's is the one you usually want MORE of....DESSERT...yummy, chocolate, delicious.....frosting....mmMMMmmm....(ok, fatty, get back to your post...)

anyways, i thought today about how that's how we are in life....we are always looking more for DeSSert...the good and usually temporary things in life....not realizing that sometimes the dry, DeSert parts of our life are equally, if not MORE, important because they produce things that are lasting!!

if you are going through a deSert time, remember... "tested faith produces endurance, maturity and God's rich reward". (also, check out this song)

.....and God's RICH reward will be better than chocolate!

hope unbroken...

2009-12-14T13:18:00.005-05:00

"Jesus Christ is the same...

Yesterday,

Today,

and Forever."

the importance of patience

2009-12-07T09:42:00.007-05:00

"practice patience"

"patience is a virtue"

this post is a sequel to my last post...i had to continue my thoughts about waiting because post-blogging i realized that there was a necessary element of waiting that i forgot to touch on:

patience

i hate that word...patience does not come easily to me...you can wait pretty easily because...well, there really isn't any other choice other than waiting...there's usually no control over whether to wait or not to wait....but to choose to wait patiently?...that's the part we have control over and that's the tricky part!

i realize that in the process of waiting, i have the opportunity to practice patience....but it's also exercising my ability to keep faith. last night MW said, "waiting is the lost art of faith"...and i couldn't agree more!

without patience, waiting is just an anxious-driven, neurotic checking of the calendar.....a stale attempt at faith.

waiting without patience is faith without virtue....therefore, not really faith at all.

the importance of waiting...

2009-12-04T10:59:00.006-05:00

do you know that if you were to live for 65 years, you would spend a little more than half of that time waiting?!

it's no wonder i feel like i've been waiting for most of my life! maybe i'm getting all my waiting checked off the list before i get to mid-life.....my retirement years are gonna be awesome! i will get to the front of the line every time.....only green lights for me!....i will get what i want instantaneously!....

do you know that on average, we spend 8 hours of our lives just waiting at red lights??

we spend an average of 3 years just standing in line!!!!

how do you think life would change if we had instant gratification of every whimsical desire we had?? do you think we would be grateful as much for the fulfillment?? i doubt it...

there are so many things we wait for....

professional opportunities

prayers to be answered

soldiers to come home

babies to arrive

sickness to depart

bodies to be healed

homes to be sold

friday to come

good news to share

we basically have to wait for everything....and even though sometimes, it's really hard...doesn't the waiting make it more incredible?? once whatever you're waiting for happens, doesn't it make you so grateful because you desired it so much more?? while you're waiting, you can't imagine wanting anything more........and then, all of a sudden, you have it!!

is the wait worth it??!?!

i think so....i know so....

"when i think the best is yet to come, i smile"....and i wait for it.

lingo

2009-12-03T18:29:00.004-05:00

welcome to my world....(that statement does not contradict my last post...it's just a saying...)

my DH and i began TTC 15AF's ago...the OB has a few pointers when starting out....stop taking BCP, start taking FA, track your BBT and CM, time your LO and then hopefully you will get a BFP when you POAS...unfortunately, for the last 15AF's, DH and I have only seen BFN. My OB referred me to an RE for IF. We are stocked up on OTC HPT's and EPT's and OPK's. The roller coaster starts over on CD1 when the RE orders BW to get my P4 checked...numerous U/S monitor the FP and the effects of FSH...(not to mention 2 uncomfortable HSG)...then to endure the dreadful 2ww. Thank goodness we don't have any other Dx...just AO...It could be worse. We could have multiple MF such as LSP...or i could have PCOS. We still have some options such as IUI, IVF and ICSI. Hopefully, the 15th COW since TTC will be lucky one! We would have an EDD and even be able to hear the FHR.

BTW, i understand that most of you won't understand this post...lucky you! OTOH, for all my FF who do understand this and can read it like a second language, FTTA...hope you get your BFP!!!

HIS world

2009-12-03T11:07:00.008-05:00

How often do we act like as though we are, in some way, "inviting" God into OUR world??

we "make time" for God...

we "give Him credit" for creation...

we "include Him" in special events...

we "keep Him number one" in our lives....

The grandest invitation we've ever received is the one postmarked thousands of years ago when God chose to invite US into HIS world!

HE made time for US.

HE gave Himself credit when He said "it is good"...He doesn't need our stamp of approval.

HE made US for HIS pleasure...not our own.

HE is already part of every event...special or ordinary.

HE is ALREADY number one...He is the first and last...EVERYTHING starts and ends with HIM.

How thankful I am, that HE has invited us to partake of HIS world...may we not get so wrapped up in it that we lose sight of how spectacular that really is.

a day late...

2009-11-27T08:08:00.006-05:00

...but i'm still thankful...

yesterday morning, nate and i had the opportunity to volunteer at the local rescue mission with some friends. one thing i overheard from one of the volunteers in reference to a mis-shapen piece of pie was, "beggars can't be choosers". when we got in the car, i started to tell nate, "Things you shouldn't say at a rescue mission..." and he finished my sentence by saying, "beggars can't be choosers"...so apparently this guy said it several times during our short two hour shift.

..."Beggars can't be choosers"...

hmm, that really bugged me. i realize that we are ALL one bad decision or one unfortunate turn of events away from also being "beggars".....i wonder if i could accept such a gift knowing the giver had the mentality, "beggars can't be choosers".

i was reminded of the passage in 2 Samuel 9 (read full chapter here), the story of Mephibosheth. David was annointed king and remembered and respected his friend, Jonathan. He asked, "Is there anyone still living from the family of Saul (Jonathan's father) that I can show kindness to?" A servant of his told him of Mephibosheth and he was invited to meet with David, the king. The story of Mephibosheth is a sad one....he was five years old when his nurse fell while holding him and he became crippled in both legs (2 Samuel 4:4)

when Mephibosheth met with David, he was rewarded with everything he would of had if his own father was king...he was just like one of David's very own sons. the verse that sticks out the most for me is, "What is your servant, that you should show regard for a dead dog such as i?"

he considered himself "a dead dog"...utterly humbled by the fact that he was offered an incredible new life of royalty....

just like Mephibosheth, there is a place for me at the King's table...i'm accepted with all my ailments and insecurities....i'm a a beggar, crippled by sin, but awarded a life as a child of The King...i'm a princess....

i'm thankful for my seat at His table...

i'm thankful that although "beggars can't be choosers", beggars can be CHOSEN!

more of Him...less of "you know who"

2009-11-23T11:53:00.005-05:00

you know what? even if you think you are doing something that looks like God's Will, sounds like a God-thing, feels like it's from God.....doesn't mean that it wasn't completely calculated by my own will....i was thinking about how much i want to "do" stuff...i really want God to use me and all the things that have happened in my life...but what about the details? - i think i make them up all on my own...i never have a sense of settled determination...i find myself waiting, never putting my ideas into action.

two things come to mind:

1. what am i waiting for?

and...

2. maybe this isn't what God wants

if i was SURE of God's plan, would i be twiddling my thumbs in delay.....and if it's NOT what God wants then i need to know what He does want so i can be there...appropriately placed and available.

sometimes, i feel i interfere with the real plan that God has for me...i just need to get out of my own way...

overwhelmed

2009-11-17T23:37:00.005-05:00

it's late tonight as i type...nate is working tonight and i bought a ton of new music and i can't seem to turn it off...i think i'm gonna listen to all 6 cd's before finally greeting my pillow...

anyways, as i sit here watching the news, listening to my spirit-encouraging music, not really enjoying the solitude, but at least relaxing on the couch...i can't help but think about life.

life--i don't know...it's kind of a funny thing when you think about it. i mean, we are here. we were created. we have ups...we have downs...both are inevitable. think about your life...all the people that have come in and out of it...all the things you've been through that you didn't think you could handle...all the things that have happened that seemed too good to be true.

i'm overwhelmed by God's goodness.

i'm overwhelmed by His love.

i'm overwhelmed by His mercy.

i'm overwhelmed by His grace.

i'm overwhelmed by the awesomeness of His plan.

i'm overwhelmed by HIM!

i can't help myself tonight......i'm overwhelmed...and for once, in a really long time, it's not a bad thing...

thoughts re: warts

2009-10-29T10:55:00.004-04:00

I wait so long to blog that i never really get to do a "fun" post...I'm always doing a boring "update"...err...if only my life was more interesting :)

so, lately, I've been busy, busy...good things...

busy with dr appts (see previous posts because I'm not going "there" today)

busy with church projects (so happy that I can be used in any capacity that encourages others)

busy with event planning course (still on unit c, but I'm loving it)

busy with event planning business ideas (more on this in the future)

sometimes being busy is good...in fact, I LOVE being busy! but often times, when you are busy, it involves lots of decision making...some very serious, life-changing even...some not-so-serious. regardless of the severity of the decision, I feel like for me it's easy to become quite anxious.

I REALLY liked this video from Andy Stanley!

wow, right? good points to consider and to practice. i'm definitely a "worry wart" (ewww...gross...who thought of that saying?!?!)

here's another great quote i found on my friend's facebook status :)

"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom." - Henri Nouwen

I feel like this quote goes along perfectly with the A.Stanley video...our society worries a lot about H1N1 (i'm among them, for sure...being a germaphobe doesn't help), war, the economy, being laid off, financial security, homeland security..... the possiblity of becoming a wart is pretty high!

I think it's easy to sit back and say, "What is God thinking?"...especially, knowing that He has full power to change it all. How amazing to know that He knows our secret (and even not-so secret) fears and doubts!

Now, maybe you're wondering what "good" it does for God to know our fears and doubts if you don't see Him doing anything "good" with them...hmmm...

I don't have any pat answers for any of this...I only know what the Bible says and what I feel I know is true in my heart. I've had many reasons to ask God such things. I know that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternally lasting...maybe, there are more things happening that are "unseen" than we could possibly know. I know that God allows things to happen for our good, our benefit, our growth and our character. I know that God loves me...and he loves you too! I know that God's word is MORE than enough...and I know that God's word tells us that God doesn't want us to live in fear, worry or doubt. I know that God made us in His image...and from even from the scientific point of view, our human bodies are amazing and full of wonder!

How can we wonder why God allows bad things to happen, but we never question where the good comes from? Or how can we give God credit for the good, but then wonder what's He thinking or discredit His power when it comes to the "bad"?

I think if we realize that "every good and perfect thing comes from above", we could be grateful to the God that gives us the good AND the bad. If we could acknowledge that God works mysteriously even using methods that seem unfair, we could be grateful...yup, even for the "bad"...because we would know that somehow, in ways I don't always understand...it's really for our good. I think if we realized that God was already in control of everything and we REALLY understood His sovereignty, we would feel ridiculous worrying about things....even things as serious as our health, our children and war. I think that when we say "God is in control", we think we are giving Him control...not true, He IS...ALWAYS has been...ALWAYS will be...in control...We have to admit that otherwise we could mislead ourselves into thinking that we have some power...and as long as we feel we can control things, i don't think we could stop worrying...we would have no peace. Even if we refuse to acknowledge that He is in control, doesn't change the fact that He is, in fact, still completely in control.....even over people that do not believe in Him.

so, this is my random chatter for the day...sorry if my thought are out of order...i'm at work! :)

not just words...

2009-09-08T14:49:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, to my dismay, I read way too much into things...I've often been charged with this accusation...I'm a fault finder and sometimes it's hard to turn off, but today I read something into words that I think were correct to assume.

My husband wrote in a text, "I'll be there."

I smiled, knowing that he's dependable, loving, present, on my team, my best friend and everything I could ever ask for.

I know that they weren't just words.....they were a promise.

love him!!

pending

2009-09-05T14:25:00.002-04:00

Growing Our Family: pending

Class Certification: pending

Hospital Claims: pending

Home Improvements: pending

Loss of Sanity: pending

What do you do when everything in your life seems to be in pending status?

Watch this video as a reminder of the best thing to do...NOTHING...just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!!

makeover

2009-09-02T18:08:00.007-04:00

Do you ever feel like just changing everything about yourself? Well, I know there's some things that I just can't change, but there's others that I can change!

Tonight I decided to go into the back room, unbarricade¹ the treadmill, remove the remaining debris off the top of it and actually plug it in...Did I exercise on it? You bet I did! I WALKED a half a mile uphill...and then died².

I don't feel better about myself; after all, my effort only proved how disturbingly out of shape I am.

I kept putting off exercising because...well, to be honest, I planned on getting fat...but the good kind of fat...the pregnancy kind of fat...and month after month, I just got more of the not good kind of fat....the nutty bar, late-night sundaes, KFC chicken pot pie, Boston Creme Donuts, fast food for lunch every day kind of fat...

Right now, I'm sitting on my couch in full exercise gear but unfortunately my gut is hanging out and I'm dreaming of coffee oreo ice cream...is that too much information? Hey, you know what? It's your decision to keep reading...

Part of my makeover is starting and completing the event planning course. Today, I started Unit A and finished my first assignment...after about 20 more pages of reading, I can finish my second assignment. I'm gonna get it done before the night is over...Well, maybe when "The Bucket List" is over. :)

What else am I putting on my list? Well, I plan on putting a facial mask on to take care of some of the...um...blemishes...ok, zits that I have on my face and I'm gonna paint my nails....

Short term goals: Finish another assignment, facial, nails

Tomorrow, I will look brand new!

Long term goals: exercise and eat healthier, take care of myself, become a certified event planner

In the future, I will be a successful event planner and people will look at me and say, "Hey, she is so put together! How does she do it?"

...haha...I'm such a dork!

and on that note.....did you notice my footnotes³?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
¹ "unbarricade" is not really a word so I wouldn't advise using it in any formal settings

² don't want to be misleading, I'm still alive :)

³ did my footnotes help or hurt the aforementioned dork factor?

finally!

2009-09-01T11:48:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to figure out how to do ~~this~~, I mean ~~that~~....errr...I mean ~~THIS~~ all week...

I figured it out ~~all by myself~~ with a ton of help from the internet.

Thank you internet!

updates, let downs, pick me ups...and all the other directions

2009-08-31T13:44:00.005-04:00

So...I figure now is as good a time as any to update BlogWorld on all my "plans" etc...

Some of you already know, but I've been working on a kinda non-profit idea for a while called "No Life Too Small"...see the blog here... you can get the main idea from the NLTS blog, but let me add a little more personal sidenote: I can't wait for this thing to take off and get officially started! I know that it will be such a blessing to me and I can only hope that it will be a blessing to those who are recipients of our efforts! So, I have a TON of flannel fabric in my house...like, bolts and bolts of flannel fabric!! It needs to be cut, washed and sewn into blankets that measure 18"x18" (a little big for a premie, but just the right size for premie OR full size baby :) Planning a sewing party soon so if you want to get involved and you can sew (only basic skills are necessary) let me know!! We need to make a lot of these little blankets in time to celebrate Zachary's birthday on October 26th....I can't believe it's already almost been two years! Did I mention that inside each blanket is a little handwritten prayer for the baby that receives the blanket?? That's my favorite part of it all!!!! So, check out the blog and email me if you want to help us sew!

Also, I've been looking for some "direction" in my life as far as careers blah, blah, blah.... Looked into going back to school and found out I was still a freshman (which was pretty sad if you ask me)... After some deliberation, I made the decision to pursue Wedding & Event Planning!! I'm pretty excited about it...although, also a little scared considering there was a financial investment to take the certification course, but mostly excited!! Can't wait to be self-employed, creative, organized and a snazzy dresser.... Do I have a dream in my head of being like Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner movie? Of course! I mean, she gets huge accounts, wears a fanny pack full of all the necessary equipment to make an event run seamlessly...and let's not forget the super awesome walkie talkie!!! My study books should be mailed out today and now it's an 8-10 business day wait....

Speaking of waiting...I'm getting awful good at it! We are still waiting for the news of Baby #2. Urgh! My dr in her medical wisdom thought it would be best to refer me to a specialist in the field so I'm currently in the overwhelming, anxiety inducing procedure of setting up additional tests and appointments. Have I ever mentioned that I hate doctors...and tests...and more importantly, examinations?!?! Not happy about not being able to see my dr and having to meet an entirely new person (why did I use the word "entirely" there? like I could meet a half of a person??...not changing it now) So, bottom line: I'm not excited at all about the extra "work" that is necessary, but will do anything to make it happen! Well, almost anything! Not looking for sextuplets....just one...or two....ok, and maybe three, but we'll see how it goes!

I keep trying to find lessons in my life and sometimes I feel like there is a TON, but really I come back to the same one and all the others are like mini-variations of the main lesson....GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! So, if the lessons of my life are set up in outline form, it would look like this :)

I. God Has A Plan For Me
A. Trust His Plan
B. Do Not Force My Plan
C. My Plans Are Tentative
D. Do Not Rush His Perfect Timing
E. His Plan and His Timing are Perfect

Get it? There's no Roman numeral II...it's just more and more of Roman numeral I.

I might not be super excited about this plan that He's concocted for me at this point, but I know that His plan is PERFECT and I need to rejoice in the fact that He's in control of my future...because of this, I have a HOPE that is unwavering...even when I feel sick to my stomach and can't breathe :)

neglected

2009-07-20T13:13:00.004-04:00

Based on the title of this post, you might think I was going to write about the shameful condition my manicure is in...seriously, neglected...Acceptable if I was 11, but clearly...not acceptable as an "adult"...

You might also think, based on the title, that I'm going to write about this blog...I know, it's been a while since I posted...the whole color scheme looks so dreadful...planning on sprucing it up soon with some brighter colors...black is so not "me"...

The reason for my chipped polish and my simply boring blog layout is because of a project I've neglected to reveal to you....I've been busy working on it to unveil it to blogworld, but not yet....you'll just have to be patient ;)

life and laughter

2009-06-25T14:46:00.004-04:00

today...is...crazy.....

i hardly slept at all last night cuz i kept having bad dreams that i would be late to the courthouse...a lot of different scenarios plagued my dreams last night...i had to wake up at 6:15 in order to be there at 8am sharp...i left a half hour to make time for getting lost (i always schedule time for that since it happens so ridiculously often)

i was on my way and felt pretty good about the direction i was heading...everything seemed familiar UNTIL i went too far...then i started hitting a whole bunch of one way streets and i got nervous...so i called nate and he was no help...told me to call my mom....she told me that i abruptly woke her up and now i'm stressing her out...not to mention, my dad in the back ground...

anyways, i was so stressed! now. where to park? aha! an empty parking lot! i'll park here.

i go inside and stand in line to talk to the clerk...long line...she then tells me to sit in the court room

so there i was...mixed in with hardened criminals...some having spent time at the ACI....one that got arrested several times for firearms and disorderly conduct...one that had over 60 arrests since 1968...oh, the streets of providence!

then, there's me...a white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers....there to debate a $100 parking ticket i received by innocently parking too close to the sidewalk at work (i was in the parking lot, but just was pushed over too far onto the sidewalk.....i never even knew that was the sidewalk!)

i felt $100 was a really big punishment for something i did out of mere ignorance...not like i have a criminal mind...so, pleaded not-guilty with an explanation...

they called my name and took off my cuffs...(haha...did i catch you? no, of course i didn't have cuffs on, but some did) and here's how it went:

Judge: Nathaniel Wasson?

Me: Good Morning, Your Honor! My name is Jaclyn. I'm his wife, the one who actually got the ticket.

Judge: You pleaded not-guilty in a timely fashion...what is your explanation?

Me: WELL....I actually DID park on the sidewalk, but my explanation is that I didn't know that was even a sidewalk until after i got the ticket! I think $100 is a lot for something i didn't intentionally do.

Judge: $20

Me: Thank you, Your Honor

something to that effect....

i was elated to only have to pay $20!! i mean, of course it would have been better if it was completely dismissed, but i was already planning on spending around $25 for court fees...now i only have to pay $20!

YEEHAW! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!!

i was walking back to my car in a pretty happy mood....everyone at the courthouse was pretty friendly and actually enjoyed my experience watching other people's victories...the defeats were also pretty funny!

i now refer to the parking lot where i parked my vehicle as "the scene of the crime".....MY CAR WAS MISSING!! i stood there....dumbfounded. seriously, did my car just get stolen? is this the right parking lot? and then, my answer...clear as stinkin' day!!! glancing over at the chainlink fence i saw what i should have seen earlier that morning...i would have seen it if i wasn't so flustered about running slightly late...a warning "Do Not Park. All Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed At Owner's Expense"...there may have been 10 signs just like this one bordering the entire parking lot...makes me wonder how i could be so blind.

so there i was....white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers abandoned in what isn't really the safest city in the world...

i had to ruin my mom's day a little further by notifying her of my (eh, hem) predicament...and that she had to pick me up and bring me to the tow lot in south providence...

luckily, while waiting, i was able to laugh it off with the police officer posted for security....he helped me with getting in touch with the tow company etc...i was pacing outside and he told me i was making him nervous so i should come inside and sit down at the tables and relax. i said, "actually, i was just thinking that i'll probably get a ticket for loiterring so...yeah, i'll come in"

the tow lot was nothing but intimidatingly filthy...seriously, felt like i could have been in danger if my mom wasn't present...luckily, we made it out...alive...and i don't think we got infected with any strange disease or anything.

i can't help but wonder...why didn't i just pay the ticket?

this is one of those days that people would say, "someday you will look back at today and think it was funny"...truth is, i'm already laughing...this isn't the worst day i've ever had...and i will have many more "bad" days....take it in stride...and laugh along the way!

p.s. thanks, mom, for my rescue!

it's a good thing

2009-06-15T20:18:00.003-04:00

I felt kinda awkward after my last post....that was really all personal stuff that I don't really like anyone to know...but at the same time, I think it is important that people understand that Zachary is still very much a part of my life! Brokenness and vulnerability are a good thing sometimes!

Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...

My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.

brutal, but honest

2009-06-01T23:50:00.004-04:00

If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...

Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)

Ok, honesty...here it goes....

I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.

I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...

I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.

I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...

I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...

I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.

I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...

I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....

So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.

One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.

I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.

One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...

Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.

after the wound heals...

2009-05-21T13:26:00.004-04:00

So, a reply to this post led to this post; and a reply to that post has led to this post...Following me? My MIL gave me permission to share part of an email that she wrote to me...you may want to read the previous blog posts first...

"A comment about healing wounds leaving a scar. When I was 12, I was burned very badly on my lower arms. They were a mess. And well, mother didn't take me to the doctor and they became much worse. To go on, my Grannie Fran came out from California to visit with us. She lovingly and with much patience cleaned my burns and "doctored" them every day for over six weeks. The wounds began to heal and at the time, there were awful scars. A firey red in color and then over the months, as she continued have me apply a cream, the scars were better. Not so ugly and they didn't hurt as much. Now, a life time later, there are still a few scars. But you know, when I notice them, I don't so much remember the pain I was in but the love that I received from my grandmother. So the scars are a reminder of that. Her love. And well, I'm glad I have the reminder."

What a beautiful picture and reminder of the loving care that Our Father offers to us when we feel wounded through life's trials!

Losing Zachary will always hurt to a degree...and yes, it's painful...but the wounds have healed...they have been cared for by the One who knows the pain too well. He has given the soul healing and restoration.

And now, when I see the scars, they are a reminder of that. His love. And well, I'm glad I have that reminder.

proud

2009-05-11T00:00:00.004-04:00

There are several times in everyone's life when they will feel a sense of pride...not the boastful kind of pride, but the loving kind of pride....

I don't know if I'm just feeling sentimental lately or what, but let me share some things that have made me feel proud...

First of all, I'm proud of my sister.... My sister has always had a strong personality...Not only in the sense that she has a high threshold for pain, but also in her initiative and independence....she also has some strong-willed characteristics :) Nothing she has ever done has made me more proud of her as watching her bring Jayden into the world... All of our moms deserve respect for that :) She gathered strength from the very depth of her love for her son... Seriously. The whole process of childbirth seems unnatural even though it's the most natural thing in the world... Anyways, back on subject... Not only that, but now I get to see her care for him and love him. What an honor to see my little sister grow up and start her own family.

Second of all, I'm proud of my whole family... We travel in a group. We linger. We get separation anxiety :) It takes us too long to say goodbye to each other...and even if you do say goodbye, it doesn't mean you are leaving because you can easily get sucked back into another conversation. We are each other's entourage....We are each other's posse... There are few familes that would sit in a waiting room for over 24 hrs....but mine would. There are few parents who would sacrifice anything to meet the needs of their children...but mine would. There are few who have a brother so kind and gentle but also ready to kick anyone's butt if they ever really hurt you....but mine would. I love my family; and I'm proud to be part of it.

Third, I'm proud of my son and all of the lessons I've learned because of him. I miss him a lot today, but I know that he's in Heaven busy being perfect and sportin' a pretty cool crown...

what a little model!

2009-05-10T16:16:00.006-04:00

Here's a sneak peek of Jayden's first professional photo shoot...the rest will be coming soon...

Shout out to Shari who took these awesome pictures!! Head over to her website and check out her talent.... www.imagesbyshari.info

delight

2009-05-09T09:20:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking today about the verse in the bible that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart".....What do you think this verse means?

Right now, I'm waiting on God for a couple of BIG things that I don't really want to get into right now on the internet. I feel like I "delight in the Lord" and He knows the "desires of my heart" so what's the hold up? I can't help but wonder, "Why am I still waiting?"

It's times like this that I have to remember that God's perfect timing is far greater than mine...I actually prefer His timing above my own....But does God refrain from giving you what you want in order to "teach" you or "mold" you? I think so....

Also, I was talking to a friend about this....I was only slightly frustrated at the time and I asked "How much more does He want me to learn?!! I feel like I already learned a lot!"....Her reply was simple but struck a chord in me...."Maybe He's teaching someone else through you". I'm gonna have to be ok with that...once you surrender yourself to what God wants to use you for, you become His instrument to be used how He wants to, when He wants to...

So, while I'm waiting...what is God doing? I don't think He is up there twiddling His thumbs or sitting on His hands.....and I don't think He's holding out on me....I think He's preparing something great!! And I think when it is revealed, all of us will step back and say, "Wow, look at how AWESOME God is!"

So, while I'm waiting....What will I be doing? the song tells it all....

jayden....duh, what else would i blog about?!

2009-05-07T21:34:00.005-04:00

Tuesday, I signed the back of my paycheck and started writing "Jayden" instead of "Jaclyn"....guess you could figure what I'm thinking about....constantly...

Have you noticed the similarities between my name and his? Maybe he was subconsciously named after me!!?

If Jayden's name was spelled J-a-d-y-n it would look a lot more like my name because my "c" and "l" would fuse together and make a "d" :) We should look into getting it changed legally.

I told my Dad that Jayden was named after me and he replied, "His initials are J.C...he was named after Jesus"...haha

I'm not gonna clean my room until the next time I have a baby...everyone is cleaning Jill's house, organizing, buying groceries, bringing over dinner....this is the life...her house is now cleaner than mine and she has way more food...

Here's a list of things that I love about Jayden so far:

1. his nose
2. his chin
3. his lips
4. his eyes closed
5. his eyes open
6. his fuzzy head
7. his left ear
8. his right ear (they look diffferent)
9. his tongue
10. the way his mouth looks so clean
11. the way he yawns
12. his little neck
13. the way his chest inflates when he breathes
14. the way you can feel his breath on you when you are near his face
15. his back
16. his bum
17. his little diapers
18. his little clothes
19. the shape of his head
20. his new baby smell
21. his toes 1-10
22. his fingers 1-10
23. how he squirms while he sleeps
24. how he puckers his lips
25. how he makes Jill and Eric so happy

It's so easy to love him.

He's HOME!!

2009-05-07T00:09:00.009-04:00

Jayden week continues

2009-05-06T22:44:00.009-04:00

This is a poem I wrote for my sister and read at her baby shower....Her bridal shower was a fairytale theme so there's a little bit of that in here to make it seem like the sequel....I also read a poem at her bridal shower...

Anyways, Here it is....

As young children, I think that most would agree
Our favorite place was reading stories up on Mommy's knee
We've heard of the beanstalk and the three little pigs,
Hansel and Gretel and the wolf, bad and big
But maybe someday, when baby is grown,
He'll ask you the story of how he became your own...

It all began way back when Mike and Cheryl said "I Do"
And let's not forget Gloria and Camille who shared their vows too
Relationships continued and love did abound
And several years later discoveries were found
Mike and Cheryl had Jill
Gloria and Camille had Eric
Little did they know, they started a love lyric.
Eric and Jill finally met. God's plan was clear.
Jill's Prince Charming was finally here!
They had a fairytale wedding-Jill looked like Cinderella!
(Even Eric kinda looked like a handsome young fella')

Often times in a book, the story ends there
But "Happily Ever After" is no where near
There's more to the story. There's more to be told.
It's the story of the arrival of a baby to hold.

Just a short time later, there was a stirring inside.
The baby was so small but LIFE could not be denied!
Little Baby was there just the size of a bean
The love of a mom was easily seen
Headaches, Nausea, Cravings and all
It wasn't long 'til that belly wasn't so small!

Around the 18th week, there was news to enjoy
All the parts were present to make a baby a BOY!!
It's a boy! It's a boy! We can't wait to meet
Little Jayden St. Onge and his cute, little feet!

The next months were filled with such anticipation
As we all looked ahead with great expectations
Our new roles as Auntie, Grandma and Mom
Bring great responsibility to keep Jayden from harm
To love him the most with kisses and hugs
To showcase his face in frames, calendars and mugs
To kiss boo-boos on fingers and bandage his knees
To make sure he eats all of his carrots and peas
To train him up in the way he should go
And be a good example so in Christ he will grow

It won't be long now 'til we finally see
The perfect addition to our family
Being a mom is a calling- the highest there is
And Jayden is so blessed that you are his
Enjoy the gift he has already been
And when he arrives- oh, the hearts he will win!

God gave you a miracle-a gift from above
And now we have Jayden all because two fell in love.

The End....or just the beginning...

Jayden is Here!!!

2009-05-04T20:50:00.010-04:00

Jayden arrived at 2:41 this morning, May 4, 2009!!! He is 6 pounds even and 20 inches long...He is a seriously handsome, little guy!!

See what I mean?

I think it's going to be difficult to spoil him the most...a lot of people already love him!

Especially these guys :)

Congratulations to Jill and Eric!!

I was very excited to get the call on Sunday morning from Jill telling me that I could come in the Labor Delivery Room...I was beyond honored and excited!!! I'm so impressed with Jill's strength and endurance...If you ever get the opportunity to get in that room, DO IT! It's not only educational, but also incredibly awesome to witness that kind of miracle!!!!

Jayden, you rock and I love you! Happy Birthday!

Jayden is Coming!!!!!!!

2009-05-03T16:57:00.004-04:00

I'm very pleased to announce that Jayden Christopher St. Onge, my handsome nephew, is on his way!!

I'm thinking about declaring this week "Jayden Week" so that I can share all the fun Aunt things I'm learning...so stay tuned! There's plenty of cute pictures coming soon!

Check out this funny video of my sister!! We were cracking up!!! The nurse was trying to get the contractions started back up and it worked!

More pictures when he arrives later tonight!!

thoughts and thank you's

2009-04-26T22:50:00.003-04:00

The night before the march, I started thinking about our team t-shirts which feature Zachary's feet as our logo. I started wondering what people would think of his feet. Like, would they feel sad that his feet are so small? Or sad that those feet belong to one of the ones that didn't survive? I actually started to even feel a little sad about those feet...sad that I would never get to see them again before Heaven...sad that they will never get to wear shoes...or play in sand.....or play sports....or be tickled....

But then I realized something that continually brings comfort....Those little feet are scampering around the golden streets of Heaven....and he's even more perfect now than he was when he was with me.....and I will see him again...I wonder what Heaven is like for my little boy....is there a playground? He probably doesn't even have to wear shoes......and he definitely doesn't miss sand or playing sports because his "time" is filled with the most rewarding activities there could possibly be!! Also, imagine my little boy who was limited to a small incubator while alive now occupying his very own MANSION! I wonder what it looks like....My thoughts of him are happy...I'm proud of the life he had and absolutely positive that he got an upgrade on life.

I had so much fun at the March for Babies, and I'm accumulating mental notes for next year...

First off, thanks to so many of my sponsors!!!! I raised $1300!! When I turned in my sponsor form, I got a special little lanyard that said "Top Walker" on it because I raised over a $1,000...honestly, as excited as I was about my lanyard (yes, I actually was REALLY excited about it even though I tried to act cool), I didn't do anything besides letting all of you know about the need and then you filled it!! You guys are awesome and I'm so thankful for you and your support.

To my fellow team members: I hope you had as much fun as I did and that you all got some FREE pulled pork sandwiches from Texas Roadhouse. Tara and I went to every tent and tried to pick up as much free stuff as possible :) I'm also jealous to hear that Nuno took them up on the offer for the free massage. Ah, I pretty much love free stuff even if it's junk...it still made it's way in my bag :) Anyways, throughout the day, I felt very appreciative of you. You will probably not even understand how much it meant to me that you were all there. I know many of you were walking in support of us and in memory of Zachary. It was a true honor to have you all there.

That's it for now....I'm gonna get back to daydreaming about chillin' in my son's mansion someday!!

Thanks again for everything!!

the reason i'm marching

2009-04-22T18:16:00.004-04:00

I was 24 weeks pregnant to the day when I went to the doctor for nothing more than an "instinctual feeling" that something was wrong and light spotting. Once being examined, my doctor told me that I was going to be transported to the hospital by ambulance immediately. I was already 6cm dilated...apparently having contractions back to back...the doctor told me I should be hemorrhaging! I was rushed to the hospital where I was met with my husband. When I saw him come through the doors, I seriously think I may have heard a superhero theme song! I was so relieved to see him. Immediately upon arriving at Women and Infants hospital, I was connected with my triage nurse, and also a pediatrician who explained the risks associated with a baby born prematurely including the statistics of survival...etc. I was also treated with my first steroid shot which was given to help develop the lungs faster and a medication to slow down or stop my contractions. I was transported to the Labor Delivery floor where I received only the highest quality care from my nurses. I loved my nurses!! At such an uncomfortable time, they did everything they could to keep me as comfortable as possible. From the moment I was at the hospital, my bed was tilted so my head was lower than my feet in order to take pressure off the uterus. I couldn't imagine being in that position for 10 weeks but they encouraged me that I could do it and I felt hopeful! Being on the Labor Delivery floor, I can clearly remember the sounds of other babies entering the world. It was amazing to hear the rush of nurses, the holding breath, the cry of life, and the welcoming cheers. I could only pray that my son's entry would be as perfect! I spent only a few days in Labor Delivery and then they transferred me to floor 5, High Risk Pregnancy. I spent only a few hours on that floor. That night I tried to sleep but I was so cold with uncontrollable shaking. We called the nurse and she came and took my temperature and it was still normal so she gave me heated blankets to try to help me warm up. After a half hour or so I was still shaking and my temperature spiked during that short time...this unfortunately signified that there may be infection. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound checking the position of my baby and decided the best option would be an emergency c-section delivery. What happened next was a whirlwind of mixed emotion- fear, anticipation, hope, wonder, faith. It is hard to explain the heart of a mother during a time such as this. When Zachary came out all I remember is his little cry...it was quiet, but it was there and surged my heart with hope. My husband was so excited! He went over and watched the doctors working on Zachary with such speed and precision. We felt like our son was in the best hands medically possible. I didn't get to meet Zachary for the first time until several hours later. When I finally saw him, I was utterly amazed! By all standards, my son was a beautiful miracle of God!! I couldn't believe that all of this had happened and could not possibly explain why it happened; but we trusted in God's all-knowing control over our lives and truly believed that His plans were bigger than the plans we could ever prepare for ourselves. Zach had several nurses who became his friends...it felt so much better leaving your child with people who you trust! Zachary started out with the most unbelievable head start! We had no doubt that our son was a fighter...a champion even! Every day was a roller coaster ride of medical diagnosis and emotional upheaval. It is so difficult to watch your child whom you've dreamed so many dreams for and hoped so many things locked up in his "womb with a view" with no access to hugs or kisses...the feeling is so helpless for a parent. Zachary lived a life full of love and victory for 18 short days and then he truly was in the best hands possible. He now lives with his Maker in Heaven and rests in our Savior's loving arms while waiting for our reunion. Life isn't an easy thing to understand. Everyone at one point unwillingly surrenders themselves to a plan outside of their own control. Death is an even more difficult thing to understand, especially the death of a child. With all the mystery of life and death, there is always one thing that is certain: God knows the plan for our lives. He loves us and is in control of that plan. We unashamedly admit that our relationship with our Heavenly Father is the only thing that brings us peace at this time in our lives. We still wonder what is in store for our lives without Zachary, but continue to trust in His perfect will. We will always love Zachary...he remains forever in our hearts and in our thoughts daily. He will always be our first child; and we will always look forward to Heaven!

Among the extensive medical team that worked closest with Zachary- his favorite nurses, his Doctor and many other wonderful people at Woman and Infants- We are also thankful for the March of Dimes support team present at the hospital and for the work they are diving into to find the reasons for prematurity and the cure for it. The money donated to their cause is money that I believe is well-spent. Besides the research, they provide very practical things such as tiny clothing and hats, blankets, books to read to our babies during the countless hours of being beside an incubator, and tremendous emotional and educational support….I remember that when Zachary was ready to go to Heaven, the hospital provided a room for my entire family to spend time with him away from the medical alarms, and during that time the March of Dimes support team provided a beautiful buffet to make sure that we took care of ourselves by remembering to eat. That meant a lot to us.

Donating to this cause may not guarantee that your children or your grandchildren won’t end up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit….BUT; it does guarantee one step closer to the day when all babies will be born healthy.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13

impact

2009-04-20T13:59:00.007-04:00

I got this from a friend of our's this weekend. He is taking an English Composition class and had to observe a setting and then write about it...He chose Highland Memorial Park...where Zach is! (Well, Zach is in Heaven, but you know what I mean)...The first part was written about the setting of the park (it was really eloquently written with really good metaphors), but the last paragraph was written about my little man!!! I'm gonna share just the last part with you! Here it goes:

"Finally, I arrive. It's Zach's grave. Oh boy, I remember one of the most emotional times of my life when two very special friends of mine had a premature baby that lived for eighteen days then went home to be with the LORD. Correction: It WAS the most emotional time of my life. But why eighteen days? Why even live at all? Quickly, I remember why. Eighteen days was the exact amount of time that it took for him to leave deep footprints in my heart! That little boy who couldn't speak, reason or do anything for that matter single-handedly brought families together before my eyes and caused us all to pause from our busy, routine lives and remember what's truly important: the LORD, family and love. Zach did more than some of the finest counselors I have ever seen; and he did it without a single word. He was the youngest missionary ever."

His final summary...

"Being here has caused me to reprioritize my life. That I must build my treasure in Heaven and not here on Earth. For we will all come to the grave and leave this world and it's possessions behind."

I'd have to agree with this writer on all points. When I go and "visit" Zachary, I witness a lot of people visiting their loved ones and can't help but wonder about their stories...Who are they visiting? Is this new grief?

I'm much more aware now of the temporary trappings of this life. There are people "out there" dealing with real stuff...real loss, real hopelessness...and when you've been filled and re-filled over and over again with the Hope that Jesus offers like I have been, you want to share it with those people. This life is short. Death is a certainty for all of us. And unfortunately, for some it comes too soon according to our standards. But the most important thing is that you have the promise of Heaven...eternal life, forgiveness of sins, the redemption of His blood that He shed for YOU and for ME!!!!!

My son has made a bigger impact in his short 18 days than I ever have!! He STILL remains to make an impact on not only my life but many others!!

What kind of impact am I making while I still have life to do it? I want to be more like Zachary! Little, humble...even incapable at times...BUT do BIG things for God!!

p.s...He got an A!

add these to the list

2009-04-18T19:04:00.003-04:00

I'm thinking it may be a little early to add this to the list of my favorite things, but I'm pretty much loving it!! What is it you ask? Sewing!!! I had my first lesson today. Who knew I would enjoy it so much?!?! I started a straight skirt and finished half of it thanks to the help of my wonderful sewing mentor!! It should be completed next weekend! Maybe I will move on to a dress...I found about 7 beautiful patterns for dresses on voguepatterns.com....pretty excited about this!

I also took up guitar lessons...I've only had two but I'm liking it! Can't wait til I can REALLY play it!!

So, adding these things makes me feel like I'm reinventing myself a little...I love learning new things...especially creative things!! Somehow, it makes me feel alive!

marching for my baby

2009-04-15T18:41:00.004-04:00

I'm totally LOVING all things March of Dimes right now! It feels so good to do this in memory of Zachary! So far, I've personally raised $585 for our team!! Our team T-shirts were designed and ordered this week...I can't wait to see them!! Props to my brother who patiently listens to my computer illiterate rantings...it pays to have a graphic designer for a brother :) I will be posting pictures of the walkathon so you will be able to see them...they even feature the footprints of the one and only Zachary Kyle Wasson!! Those little feet were perfect!

I'm overwhelmed with the response of my friends! I think there are currently 31 members of team "No Life Too Small"; and our team fundraising total equals $1,015 so far! I'm proud of our team!

I also finished up a little flyer about the walk and attached it to a "short" version of our story...maybe I will share it next week as the march approaches.

I urge you to get involved in the March of Dimes whether by donating or finding a local march where you live...it is well worth the effort!

healing.

2009-04-11T11:27:00.003-04:00

What exactly is healing anyways? Is it moving on with my life? Is it forgetting the past? Is it when it doesn't hurt anymore?

I think I found a lot of healing within the last year or so. Based on the fact that I've accepted God's plan for my life...found peace through His Word and prayer...sought counsel from wise people...and have stopped asking "why?" and started asking "what does God want to use it for?"

I don't think that healing is any of those things presented in the questions above.

I could move on with my life...have another baby...never speak of what happened, but that doesn't mean I found healing. It doesn't mean that some days it won't hurt like crazy...or that I won't feel empty without him. It doesn't mean that I smile all day every day and never shed a tear for the little boy I will never know as a toddler, teen or young man.

When a wound heals, does it not leave scar?

good grief (?)

2009-04-06T00:15:00.002-04:00

I've been using the saying "good grief!" on and off lately; and since I've had my fair share of grief, I'm starting to wonder if there is any such thing as "good" grief...I don't know...what do you think?

It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...

I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...

However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...

Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.

I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.

Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?

take a chance on this one

2009-03-03T14:07:00.003-05:00

So, in my family, we have to be extremely careful discussing movies that we've seen..."one" (eh hem...no names...eh hem...DAD) usually goes too far and gives the twists and turns...I am usually careful to recommend movies to people outside of family, but take a chance on this one...it's really good. well, I think so anyways.

Taking Chance is an HBO movie that is currently onDemand...I watched it because it was recommended to me and I found it to be very touching. I will give nothing away that isn't shown already in the previews.

Basically, this movie is about a high rank officer that volunteers to escort the body of a 19 year old local boy back home. Along the way, many people are touched by this boy's sacrifice and show such deserving respect and honor. This movie was patriotic not in the way that it was pro-America, but in the way that it was pro-appreciation. Whether you agree with the war or not we cannot deny that many have sacrificed their lives for it...for us! I'm thankful for those that serve our great country!

So, the thing that amazed me the most was the degree that people were touched by a boy they never knew. He made a difference in their lives.

what freeedom looks like

2009-01-31T11:40:00.004-05:00

Watch this vi deo....it is about ten minutes long, but the last minute or so will make you want to watch it all over again!

Snow

2009-01-19T13:30:00.003-05:00

I kinda like it...

Spreading the Word

2009-01-17T23:23:00.002-05:00

So, here is the link to one of the most fabulous blogs ever! I love this blog and read it daily...I find it inspiring in every creative way and am always impressed with Keri's crafty genius. Today is Keri's blogiversary and, in honor of this special occasion, she is hosting a special giveaway of one of her masterpieces. Go to her blog and check out all of her wonderful ideas and enter her giveaway!! Enjoy!

HaHa

2009-01-09T15:32:00.003-05:00

Where is this guy's top lip? This has been bugging me all day on Yahoo's Homepage....hahahahaha

Update

2009-01-09T11:19:00.003-05:00

About a month ago, I challenged you to a health and fitness challenge...Ultimately, I was challenging myself, but kidnapping you in the process. Anyways, it has been a while and I figured that maybe I should update you on my progress.

My progress has been...ugh...nothing at all. In fact, I ate cake and pies and all the butter-enriched holiday foods I could get my hands on. What was I thinking setting an impossible goal for myself?

I just love food! Why does it have to be so good?!

Food is a necessary evil...you have to eat to live...BUT you don't have to eat enjoy living...I think that is where the thin line is. My experience at LA Weightloss Center revealed several truths about woman in general...here are a few:

1. We reward ourselves with food.
2. We punish ourselves with food.
3. We comfort ourselves with food.

One time I received a phone call from a woman. The client on the other end felt desperate. She was at a work Christmas party and a plate of fudge was left on the corner of her desk. She called looking for someone to talk her into not eating a piece. She was practically crying! Now, I, as a counsellor, tried to level with her.

I told her, "move the plate"...
she said, "I can't. I will eat one."
I said, "have someone else take it away"...
she said, "but I want one"
I said, "Then have one!"...
she said "I won't be able to stop once I start"...

Now, I, as a woman, said in my head, "Woman, grow up!! It's just food! It's just fudge! Don't be so pathetic!" I really felt like I was talking her off the ledge if you know what I mean...

Anyways, my reason for the story is this....

EATING healthy in order to BE healthy is a must!! God gave us these bodies and we have to take care of them! Eating healthy and exercising consistently require DISCIPLINE!

Maybe I'm not like the woman on the phone...maybe not quite as desperate...but I do find myself somewhere in that category of complaining about my body, knowing there is a need to be healthy, and not doing what it takes to get me there.

This year, I desire to be more DISCIPLINED...not to look like a super model...to be healthy for myself and my family.

Christmas Slideshow

2008-12-28T14:47:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T13:11:00.001-05:00

Powerful

2008-12-24T23:36:00.002-05:00

Straight vs. Curly

2008-12-23T22:52:00.001-05:00

Nate informed me tonight that when I wear my hair curly, it makes my face look much better...emphasis on "much"....

I'm not even sure if that was an insult or compliment...?

My Dog

2008-12-20T14:35:00.005-05:00

Who Is Your God?

2008-12-16T10:05:00.003-05:00

I wrote this for something else, but figured I would share...

This is my God...He is a God in a league of His own...A God who reigns on His throne in Heaven and rules over everything...He controls all things and can accomplish anything by just speaking the word...And although He could have saved us and rescued us from our tragic eternal destiny by merely demanding it, He chose in His own tender way to interact with us...to humble Himself and become one of us...My God became a man...He sat with sinners and men who scoffed Him. He reached out to the lowest on the social ladder. He met woman at the well and hypocrites in the synagogue. He offered eternal life to thieves, adulterers and murderers...My God is a personal God who offers a personal relationship with Him...He works in indescribable, unexplainable ways and His life and death prove this...He wrote His own story and could have chose any other plot, but He chose to become the Sacrificial Lamb who takes away the sins of the world. My God never fails. He never leaves you. He is the true essence of what love is. He offers new life...and life abundant. He is the origin of Joy, Hope and Peace. He rescued my soul and restored my spirit. He met me in my dark room and turned on the light. He is my Creator, my Savior, My Redeemer...He is my calm in the storm. He is worthy of my service, my gratitude, my praise and my worship. This is my God...the God who became flesh and dwelt among us.

Day Five

2008-12-09T14:33:00.003-05:00

This will probably be the last post for a while about the health and fitness challenge...why? because it is boring to read about eating healthy almost as much as it is eating healthy...I'm going to continue my challenge and update you here and there, but I'm not dedicating every post to it.

I ate really good today...it could be the fact that I gained two pounds over the weekend! (stupid chinese food) But every day is a new day and I chose to eat healthy!!

One thing I have to work on is drinking more water. The benefits of drinking water are huge...including reducing the risk of certain cancers, cleansing your body of toxins...Plus, you just feel better when you are properly hydrated. When I worked at LA, I drank over 64 oz a day with no problem...but once you stop doing that it is hard to get back into it...It really does take a conscious decision.

What is your favorite healthy snack?

Day Three and Four...etc

2008-12-08T10:23:00.005-05:00

Yikes! Yesterday was NOT a good day "food-wise"...I rationalized that banana bread was healthier than pumpkin bread...ate Chinese food for lunch...and had the ever so convenient fast food for dinner...So, yesterday was a complete disaster...nutritionally anyways. I haven't had chocolate yet though!!!

Today's Challenge for myself is to just not eat junk today!

Church was a blessing last night. I love when Mike preaches!! An excellent reminder of God as a Wonderful Counselor...I intend on increasing my wonder....which will in turn decrease doubt.

Day Two

2008-12-06T08:00:00.005-05:00

So, I already miss chocolate AND pumpkin bread and wonder what on earth am I going to eat for breakfast and lunch now...

Physical Challenge: Do 25 of this awesome Pilates exercise...It is called the perfect curl and it was my favorite Pilates move that Ari taught me.

Perfect curl: Knees together, feet slightly wider than hips, toes turned in, and fingers interlaced behind head.

Exhale as you lift your head and chest up off the floor. Inhale on the way back down. Keep your head a couple inches of the floor at all times.

Some things to remember:

1). Inhale through your nose, deep exhale out your mouth...like you are fogging a mirror.

2). Always draw your stomach back toward your spine

3). Quality over quantity! You will gain more benefits through slow, controlled movement.

4). Adjust the exercises so that they are comfortable for you. You should feel tired but never in pain.

I hope you enjoy this one because I love it!

Nutritional Challenge: Keep a record of everything you eat and drink including condiments and the little things you pick at between meals...you would be surprised about how many calories are wasted on pointless things that don't even satisfy.

Spiritual Challenge: What is your favorite Bible verse and why?

So, I danced to "Shackles" by Mary Mary ...I just couldn't think of anything else and that was always fun at Bible College and at Young Married Beth Moore Retreats :)

What did you dance to?

For your viewing pleasure...