detour

i've started a new blog! if you want to see pictures of my beautiful baby girl and catch up, you can find them here!! and while you're there, make sure you follow so that i know you're reading :)

Something bigger

For pretty much my entire adult life, I've felt the desire to be part of something bigger than myself....something that only God is capable of doing....and when I see Mykenzie's ultrasounds, I realize I am.



How can people not believe in God, when having children makes Him so very real??

She shines like the sun

I never formally introduced my beautiful niece, Soleil Mariela!!! We love her!!!



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time is yummy

while i was in the hospital with zachary, they kept saying that every day he stayed inside was "icing on the cake"...and well, i'm 25 weeks today...so i feel like that's some substantial icing! and i don't even like icing, but this seems delicious in a non-edible sort of way!

{did you notice how i switched the saying from "time is money" to "time is yummy" because of the reference to icing??...did you get that?? ugh, i crack myself up a little too much, i guess}

a letter

dear sweet baby girl,

you are curled safely inside my body, completely unaware of the milestone that we've reached today...your journey with us started 24 weeks, 4 days ago which is exactly one day longer than i've ever been pregnant. i'm so happy to share this with you, my girl.

i couldn't sleep last night...

i felt so free to dream and plan for you...

we will have such a fun life together.

i keep picturing you in there...because of your big brother, i know what your skin feels like...i know it's soft...i know it's still a bit translucent...i know your eyes are sealed shut, but underneath those tiny lids, you have the darkest pupils with almost no whites to be seen yet. i can feel you move and know that your movements are slower and more gentle than they actually feel. i know you are perfect.

i could smile all day thinking of you....and sometimes, i do.

i hope you feel how much your daddy and i love you, baby. we always will.

we waited a long time for you and feel so grateful for each day we've had with you already.

i've been missing your brother a lot lately...i so wish he could have been here for all of this. i can't wait to tell you all about him...and through all my stories, i hope that i can clarify some things that can be confusing about God. Sweet Baby, His plans are mysterious but not to be feared....His plan for you is far more amazing than we can imagine...Grandpa has always said that "life is an adventure"...it truly is! and sometimes the adventure isn't always fun and can sometimes be scary, but as long as you're in His Will...you'll be ok. Mommy isn't a risk taker...but if i can teach you anything, it would be to risk it ALL for Him.

Mykenzie, we love you with all our hearts...we were never scared to love you too much.

You've had all of us from the beginning.

it would be better if each day were wrapped with paper and a bow

few things can compare to the elation i feel being pregnant with Mykenzie...

{i love her name}

in fact, the only thing that has even come close is being pregnant with Zachary...

there's something to be said about having life grow inside you...

and literally, God could have done it without me, but He chooses to use our bodies as a living pod for our babies...He invites us into the the creative art of life-making...what a gift! truly! i can think of very little that has brought as much joy into my life as the squirmy flips that Mykenzie seems to use to almost speak morse code reminding me that

today everything is ok...

i'm grateful.

i feel like Zachary taught us to love each other...and in the same way, Mykenzie will teach us to love each other even more...to put someone else's needs before our own...to be a family...

nothing is forgotten about Zachary...in fact, we remember our love for him even more...and some days, the pain feels so fresh and new...however, the pain of losing him could never compare to the love we have for him even still....and the love we share for Mykenzie.

loving & loss

i always expected it to be hard to love our second baby knowing the pain of losing our first...

it's not.

i almost feel like we love Mykenzie with all the love we would normally have had with the additional lifetime of love we would have given to Zachary. we decided early on, that loving less doesn't mean hurting less or even being scared less...and if something was to happen, i'd rather know that i loved her with my whole being every single day...and so that's what we do...we tell her we love her, we get giddy excited over ultrasounds, tutus, and pink things...we wait to feel squirms and kicks...we make plans for her nursery...we make plans for our future...

i'm 20 weeks this week and i'm starting to feel the anxiety creaping in...but i'm confident still that 20 weeks means i'm half way there...and NOT almost done.

name

when i think about how special My relationship is right now with baby girl, i can't help but think about how special our relationship is with our Heavenly Father...especially when it comes to the matter of names. with zachary, we had a few boy names picked, but we knew his name for sure when it was obvious he was arriving soon.

i've known Baby Girl's name for quite some time now and it's so fun to know something that no one (except a few others...and by this point, maybe you...hint, hint) know...it's so sneaky...

...but when i think about God...(yeah, the God of the Universe)...knowing MY NAME...that's Just Amazing!!

what's more?? my name was written in the book of life before the creation of the world?? (Rev 17:8) what?? yup, so not only did He know my name...but He intimately knew me!

i just don't see it happening...

i get new pocketbooks all the time...i get super excited about it, use it for a week or two; but it inevitably always ends up on my closet floor...

i get bored with my hairstyle...if i have short hair, i want long...

and you guessed it, if i have long, i need short...

i get cravings for food and continue to eat them until the thought of eating it again literally makes me ill...

i consume my brain with hobbys, initially investing numerous hours into it until i get bored and need to move on to something new...

i get bored at work....ALL. THE. TIME.

but one thing i don't think i could ever get bored with is

dreaming of Baby Girl...it's an impossibility...

i think about her all day long... i imagine her face...the sound of her voice...i'm looking forward to finally having someone to color with on my restaurant placemats...i look forward to finally having a reason to go on the kiddie rides at Six Flags...

i have a feeling, i'm going to be getting much fewer strange glances directed my way...

i just don't see myself ever getting bored with her.

i love this little girl! i know that every day i've gotten with her has been a true gift...and i so look forward to holding her hand while we walk across the street.