"The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray:

'Thy Will Be Done'."

~Elisabeth Elliot

Monday, June 1, 2009

brutal, but honest

If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...

Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)

Ok, honesty...here it goes....

I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.

I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...

I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.

I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...

I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...

I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.

I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...

I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....

So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.

One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.

I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.

One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...

Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.

3 comments:

cheryl said...

Jaclyn, I think most people left to their own feelings would find it very easy and comfortable to be negative about a lot of different areas of their lives; it's part of our human nature to complain and be discontent,not all the time but some of the time.
I am thankful for your honesty and I don't think of it as brutal at all. These are real issues that you have to deal with on a daily basis and it hurts on different levels and makes you mad on different levels. I don't expect you to have a false sense of happiness as a show for the people around you; though you are aware they are watching and learning from you! You maintain a positive attitude in front of people which shows them it is possible to not always be depressed publicly about the things of life that don't end up the way you planned, people have to realize how losing Zachary effects you on a daily basis and I think the way you have shared it ends on a positive note. You have these feelings because you are human! But you haven't blamed the course your life has taken on God, but have sought Him out to show you what direction to take from here. I know you always like to blog on a "Victory" note or more "Positive" but I like the inner glimpse of your battles too! People most times won't ask about the nitty gritty so I'm glad you shared it with us! I Love You!!!
Very's unending Much!

Jacquelyn, Trevor's Mama said...

Jaclyn, first of all, I want you to know you're not alone in feeling this way. I can relate to every single thing you've said here, and I feel the EXACT SAME WAY about ALL of it. I am sorry to hear that your efforts to get pregnant again have proved in vain...but I know that if anyone knows that God has a plan for us, it's you. Even if it's hard to see sometimes. I can't thank you enough for your honesty here...I feel so much better seeing my own feelings right in front of me from someone else's heart. I wish all the love and happiness in the world for you, Jaclyn. I am so glad we met; and I'm SURE it was God who brought us together. I have learned a lot from you and Zachary; and I hope you know that even that, means you've both made impressions on this world. These feelings may never completely go away, but I am sure that we will learn from them; and in the end, be better for it.

Liz said...

thank you for being honest and I know that because of this you are and will be helping others like you. Don't ever feel like you can't be honest, there's nothing worse than a dishonest person.I pray that God will give you more children so you can have those play dates and everything else your heart desires.