"The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray:

'Thy Will Be Done'."

~Elisabeth Elliot

Monday, April 6, 2009

good grief (?)

I've been using the saying "good grief!" on and off lately; and since I've had my fair share of grief, I'm starting to wonder if there is any such thing as "good" grief...I don't know...what do you think?

It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...

I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...

However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...

Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.

I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.

Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?

4 comments:

Jacquelyn, Trevor's Mama said...

Honey, I have found that nothing is too personal to share in these blogs. That's what we're all here for. A common thread. I totally know what you mean, though. I feel like some people, even my closest friends could never see Trevor the way I do. I am so glad that you have had Jesus in your life through all of this. I'm trying hard to get to that point; but really, I am at the beginning of my faith. It breaks my heart too, when I hear my friends are having babies, or when I go to the park with them and their children...and I have no little boy to play with. I guess what I'm trying to say is you're not alone feeling this way, and I hope you find yourself at peace. I am glad we met . :-)

Tara said...

Never keep those moments to yourself, Jaclyn! I know I don't know Zachary in the same way that you do but I'm always here to listen to you talk about him. I love him and can't wait to meet him when we get to Heaven.

cheryl said...

Jaclyn, I think it is good that you express yourself and open up your feelings this way.....people who haven't been through what you and Nate went and are going through don't quite get it. And people's memory is short, they think you should have dealt with and moved on from the grief; not realizing that you will always have it to a certain extent! Knowing of course that we don't see the entire picture....I have seen you grow so much in the year and a half, you chose to draw closer to the Lord, when this could have created a wedge. I think it is great to show videos and pictures of Zach, he will always be a part of our lives, I guess I see him the same as you, I don't see all the life support, I just see my beautiful, little grandson. I have always thought you were a beautiful person, but God has made you even more beautiful! I love you!!

Paisley & Polka Dot Patterns said...

Not at all, bless your heart, and life for your courage to share, perhaps you have touched or changed a life without knowing it. I once heard the saying "without suffering there is no compassion". You have turned the sorrow into joy and reached your empty arms up to the sky, and He has filled them and will continue to. There is no time limit or right or wrong to our suffering, I think of my 2 angel babies every day, and misss my auntie, my secoind mom and best friend every day and it's been almost 8 years.Take your time, pray, cry, scream, grow, change, rely on Him, learn, one step forward, maybe one back, but you will always have love and support. Praying always for both of you.