"The deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray:

'Thy Will Be Done'."

~Elisabeth Elliot

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

i need to get my facts straight.

tomorrow, i take a BIG step...
you may not understand how big a step it is; but for me, it feels huge!
tomorrow, i tell my acupuncturist that i'm "taking a break".
not from her necessarily...but from "trying".
i'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me out of it...
that she's going to think that i'm "burning out"
and that i need some sort of convincing to keep trying....
but here's the thing:
there's a big difference between
GIVING UP and GIVING IN.
i'm making a concious, intentional decision
to actively surrender all the things
i use to trick my mind into thinking
i have some sort of control over having another child.
i know that God controls all things!
He has a plan for me
and knows the best possible scenario for our family.
anyways...
i know that my conviction to step back from acupuncture might not make sense to some...
including my acupuncturist!
i've seen some markable improvements because of my treatments...
and i love my acupuncturist and how she listens and treats me specifically.
but, i know that if i continue, i won't be completely surrendered.
(this post is for me...not for you...but you can read if you'd like :)
i'm just trying to get my facts straight before going in tomorrow.)
first, the last three years of our lives have been extremely stressful
with the loss of our son, Zachary...
the first year after losing him, we dealt with multiple levels of grief, anxiety and depression.
then we jumped right in to having another baby.
closed door.
i exchanged depression because of losing my child
for depression for possibly never being able to have one.
anxiety.
grief.
stress.
all over again.
i say i "exchanged" it but the emotions of losing Zachary
and not being able to have another one are very much intermingled.
sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and nurture the things you DO have...
i get tired of focusing my energy on obtaining something...
i feel it's hard for me to be content,
when i'm always reaching for something else.
i can't hug what i have...
when my hands are still reaching.
i have a hard time distinguishing what has been a physical condition,
and what has been a spiritual lesson.
C.S. Lewis once said,
"you don't have a soul. you are a soul.
you have a body."
no wonder, God uses our bodies to teach us some serious spiritual lessons.
the Bible tells us,
that without faith,
it's impossible to please God.
and then it tells us,
that "the testing of our faith produces steadfastness."
i'm not surprised that God allows certain trials in our lives.
it's hard to understand how a loving God could watch His child hurt;
but when you look at it from a Heavenly perspective....
God allows things to happen in our lives,
to make us steadfast in our faith...
to achieve our number one purpose of living-
to please HIM!
we were created for His pleasure.
He's not some giant puppet master, pulling the strings of our lives...
He's a loving, gentle Father that masterfully designs us
to KNOW HIM.
in the great scheme of things,
it doesn't matter if i have another child...
if i don't have another, i'll have no regrets in Heaven....
that's a Heavenly perspective!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"So we do not lose heart.
Though our outer self is wasting away,
our inner self is renewed day by day.
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us
an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,
as we look not to the things that are seen
but to the things that are unseen.
For the things that are seen are transient,
but the things that are unseen are eternal."
it has always been my plan to remain proactive...
of course, my desire for a child will not go away.
God knows that.
He gave me that desire!!
and i think that trusting God
is the most proactive thing i can do!

2 comments:

Tara said...

I love you and I'm praying for you ;)

ANDWHATELSEISTHERE said...

i enjoy reading your blog.
Nice, keep up the good work ;)