wilderness and the promised land

last night at church, pastor made a brief statement about how the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the promised land. he said that they were in this "stuck"/"wandering" condition because of their unbelief and continued to say that many died over the course of that 40 years without ever reaching the land that God promised them.

i couldn't help but relate to those Israelites...

wandering.....stuck....deserted....knowing that

God has something better planned,

but feeling like it's unattainable.

i've been thinking this past week or so that maybe...just maybe...i don't surrender completely to God's plan...maybe i have a belief problem...maybe i have a little bit of difficulty believing God's promises.

how terrifying to think that this waiting period...this wandering...this stuckness...could be a symptom of my disbelief...or even just the fact that i try too hard to control my circumstances.

i need to surrender.

i need to keep my eyes focused on what's promised.

hey! being in the wilderness isn't all bad!!

during the time of their wandering, the Israelites saw miracles happen...

the parting of the red sea

moses striking the rock bringing forth water

manna from heaven

the burning bush

i'm gonna keep my eyes open for those inevitable miracles....but for now, i'm submitting to the fact that God has a plan for me and i'm loosening my grip on the situations i'm trying to control.

i believe that when i surrender....the biggest miracle of all will happen.

the "promised land" looks pretty good from here...

i'll be there soon.

amazing love!

Every Thursday night, I can be found with a bunch of girls studying the book of Daniel. It's just a small chapter of God's great love letter to us. I challenged myself to actually complete the entire 12 week study without fizzling...I think I'm on week 4.

If interested in checking out the study, It's "Daniel: Lives of Integrity; Words of Prophecy" by Beth Moore.

Anyways, I was reading through this week's homework and I love when things stick out! For me, things that stick out should be noted since most times I'm a skimmer when reading.

She wrote, ".....Not a pagan king like Nebuchadnezzar, but a king after God's own heart. King David has sinned grievously against God by committing adultery with Bathsheba and having her husband, Uriah, killed in battle. Furthermore, David refused to own up to his sin for months."

So, obviously that's just an excerpt and you wouldn't really get her point, but here's my point:

David was a "man after God's own heart"?? Does anyone else find this odd?! That David, an adulterer, a murderer...a conspirer....was the best that God could find?!?!

I love, love, love that God loves us despite the ugliness of our sin. Christ came to save us, but He came when we were still sinners. He came to redeem us. It's quite frankly amazing to think about!!

We are so limited with our understanding of love and forgiveness!!

The apostle Paul shares some beautiful insights about unbelief vs. God's redeeming love:

Romans 11:11-23

vs. 17--->But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree, do not be arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you. Then you will say, "Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in". That is true. They were broken off because of their unbelief, but you stand fast through faith. So do not become proud, but fear. For if God did not spare the natural branches, neither will he spare you. Note then the kindness and severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God's kindness to you, provided you continue in His kindness. Otherwise you too will be cut off. And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again. <---vs. 23

Thank you, God for the mysteries of Your redeeming love!

2 Timothy 4

"Preach the Word;

be ready in season and out of season;

reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching,

but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves

teachers to suit their own passions,

and will turn away from listening to the truth and

wander off into myths.

As for you,

always be sober-minded,

endure suffering,

do the work of an evangelist,

fulfill your ministry."

dancing with my eyes closed

Stephen Curtis Chapman used his creative expertise to dedicate an entire album to his adopted daughter Maria Sue. She was tragically killed in a home accident a few years ago....and his honesty is overwhelming in this cd...he put into songs emotions that i could never put into words.

The song that the album is named after has these lyrics and they are constantly in my head lately...

"Out of these ashes,

Beauty will rise...

and I will dance among the ruins

I'll see it with my own eyes"

I can't help but consider the magnitude of what it means to "dance among the ruins".....to, regardless of circumstances, praise God for the "ruins" because you KNOW He will make something incredibly beautiful from it. Such sweet abandonment in the arms of our Saviour!

footprints

when we first moved into this house, we noticed a cat that daily rested outside our door on the second floor. nate hated this cat....it scared us as we exited.....it slept on the hood of our car.....it lurked in our backyard.....anyways, for a long time, we didn't see it....

but then, it snowed....

....and little cat footprints lead from the street to the car...to the backyard...to the steps....to our door.

stupid cat.

we are dog people.

my point is this:

if it wasn't for the snowstorm, we would have never seen the tracks...we would have never known that the cat was still alive.....it would have left no impact on us at all...if i didn't see the tracks, i would have never thought, "hmmm...i wonder what that cat is up to?" or "i wonder where that stupid cat lives" or "that cat better not be scratching the hood of the car".

and then i wonder....

if it wasn't for the storms in my life....maybe I wouldn't leave any tracks either.

"oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
may the fire of our devotion light their way
may the footprints that we leave
lead them to believe
and the lives we live, inspire them to obey"

notes to self; prayers to God

last night, i perused the pages of the Bible i was reading a little over 2 years ago....it was a brand-new Bible at the time; but now it's torn...passages are underlined....notes are written in the side column.

it brought me back to a time that i hungered to be in His Word....i needed it....i needed it to focus my mind....to give me pure material to meditate on....to keep me on the right path....to ruthlessly trust my Saviour.....to convince me that His plan is better than mine.....to remind me that He isn't finished with me yet.

it dawned on me that 2 years ago, i felt the farthest from God that i ever have before that time; but the pages of my Bible prove otherwise. the words i wrote weren't words of someone who was not close to God....or didn't know Him....they were the words of someone who was clinging to Him.

those dark days were intimidating and honestly, some days i would have rather died; but how much more i appreciate His Light and life now! Jesus came to give us life and life MORE abundantly!

today, the Bible i use has very few underlined sections...very rarely do i see a note....i'm not saying that this is a mark of a non-growing Christian...i'm just noticing that my darkest hour was the hour that Jesus shined brightest.....and although i felt that God was not near, it seems He was right there all along.

coincidence?!?!

i made a resolution (more on this later) to read the whole Bible in a year....granted, i have other facebook friends that have decided to do it in 90 days which kinda makes my commitment look kinda shabby; but regardless, it's a commitment! i chose my reading plan at YouVersion.com. you can also set up an account and read along with me...i chose the "life journal reading plan"...which schedules you to read the old testament once and the new testament twice in year...i tried to do this last year, but got stumped somewhere in the middle of Leviticus

anyways, i was totally blessed yesterday as i was reading because technically, it was my first day.....yes, you read that right....my resolution was already failing only 6 days into the new year so I had a lot of catching up to do....

i started with the chapters i was scheduled to read in Genesis and what do you think it had for me there?! well, they were the chapters where Abraham and Sarah doubt that God would bless them with the many children promised to them......and what about the chapters i was scheduled to read in Luke?!?! it was the chapters where Elizabeth who was barren found out she conceived John and Mary found out about the miraculous conception of Jesus......

my heart was happy when i realized that miracles STILL happen....

my hope is that at the end of my life, it can be said "BY FAITH, Jaclyn dealt with many dark days, the grief of losing her son, the hardship caused by poor decisions, the fear of failure, anxiety over the future......and because of her FAITH, she NEVER lost sight of God's love and the HOPE He offers so freely....because of her salvation, she stands firm upon the promise of Heaven where all wrongs will be made right and there is no more tears...despite her circumstances, she always remained confident in God's bigger purpose"

so.....that sounded like a eulogy but you get my point :)

rising or setting

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.

i think in word pictures

This whole time, I felt like I was on an icy lake...I was carrying a very large burden and I was scared that the extra weight would break the ice...At first, I stayed close to the shore because I knew that at any moment I could jump off to safety...there was also a Man on the shore that I knew would reach out His hand if the ice started to crack...In fact, the ice DID crack and instead of reaching my hand out for His, I ran away from crack further towards the center of the frozen lake, holding on to my burden as though it could be a life preserver with an impossible delusion that I could out run the crack...Before long, the growing crack reached my feet and I lost confidence in the ice and my burden. The further from the shore I got, the thinner and more uncertain the icy terrain became until I finally came to the end of myself and decided that I had to face the crevasse that separated me from the shore head on...of course, I couldn't take my burden with me on my return trek ...the weight of it would surely break the ice...so I let go of it and left it in the center of the lake...I didn't carefully watch my step, I ran with speed to the shore and reached for His hand.

a long quote from a favorite

"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. she asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."

She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

"We ourselves have known and put our trust in God's love toward ourselves." (John 4:16)

Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.

.......

Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen."

the importance of waiting...

do you know that if you were to live for 65 years, you would spend a little more than half of that time waiting?!

it's no wonder i feel like i've been waiting for most of my life! maybe i'm getting all my waiting checked off the list before i get to mid-life.....my retirement years are gonna be awesome! i will get to the front of the line every time.....only green lights for me!....i will get what i want instantaneously!....

do you know that on average, we spend 8 hours of our lives just waiting at red lights??

we spend an average of 3 years just standing in line!!!!

how do you think life would change if we had instant gratification of every whimsical desire we had?? do you think we would be grateful as much for the fulfillment?? i doubt it...

there are so many things we wait for....

professional opportunities

prayers to be answered

soldiers to come home

babies to arrive

sickness to depart

bodies to be healed

homes to be sold

friday to come

good news to share

we basically have to wait for everything....and even though sometimes, it's really hard...doesn't the waiting make it more incredible?? once whatever you're waiting for happens, doesn't it make you so grateful because you desired it so much more?? while you're waiting, you can't imagine wanting anything more........and then, all of a sudden, you have it!!

is the wait worth it??!?!

i think so....i know so....

"when i think the best is yet to come, i smile"....and i wait for it.

a day late...

...but i'm still thankful...

yesterday morning, nate and i had the opportunity to volunteer at the local rescue mission with some friends. one thing i overheard from one of the volunteers in reference to a mis-shapen piece of pie was, "beggars can't be choosers". when we got in the car, i started to tell nate, "Things you shouldn't say at a rescue mission..." and he finished my sentence by saying, "beggars can't be choosers"...so apparently this guy said it several times during our short two hour shift.

..."Beggars can't be choosers"...

hmm, that really bugged me. i realize that we are ALL one bad decision or one unfortunate turn of events away from also being "beggars".....i wonder if i could accept such a gift knowing the giver had the mentality, "beggars can't be choosers".

i was reminded of the passage in 2 Samuel 9 (read full chapter here), the story of Mephibosheth. David was annointed king and remembered and respected his friend, Jonathan. He asked, "Is there anyone still living from the family of Saul (Jonathan's father) that I can show kindness to?" A servant of his told him of Mephibosheth and he was invited to meet with David, the king. The story of Mephibosheth is a sad one....he was five years old when his nurse fell while holding him and he became crippled in both legs (2 Samuel 4:4)

when Mephibosheth met with David, he was rewarded with everything he would of had if his own father was king...he was just like one of David's very own sons. the verse that sticks out the most for me is, "What is your servant, that you should show regard for a dead dog such as i?"

he considered himself "a dead dog"...utterly humbled by the fact that he was offered an incredible new life of royalty....

just like Mephibosheth, there is a place for me at the King's table...i'm accepted with all my ailments and insecurities....i'm a a beggar, crippled by sin, but awarded a life as a child of The King...i'm a princess....

i'm thankful for my seat at His table...

i'm thankful that although "beggars can't be choosers", beggars can be CHOSEN!

more of Him...less of "you know who"

you know what? even if you think you are doing something that looks like God's Will, sounds like a God-thing, feels like it's from God.....doesn't mean that it wasn't completely calculated by my own will....i was thinking about how much i want to "do" stuff...i really want God to use me and all the things that have happened in my life...but what about the details? - i think i make them up all on my own...i never have a sense of settled determination...i find myself waiting, never putting my ideas into action.

two things come to mind:

1. what am i waiting for?

and...

2. maybe this isn't what God wants

if i was SURE of God's plan, would i be twiddling my thumbs in delay.....and if it's NOT what God wants then i need to know what He does want so i can be there...appropriately placed and available.

sometimes, i feel i interfere with the real plan that God has for me...i just need to get out of my own way...

overwhelmed

it's late tonight as i type...nate is working tonight and i bought a ton of new music and i can't seem to turn it off...i think i'm gonna listen to all 6 cd's before finally greeting my pillow...

anyways, as i sit here watching the news, listening to my spirit-encouraging music, not really enjoying the solitude, but at least relaxing on the couch...i can't help but think about life.

life--i don't know...it's kind of a funny thing when you think about it. i mean, we are here. we were created. we have ups...we have downs...both are inevitable. think about your life...all the people that have come in and out of it...all the things you've been through that you didn't think you could handle...all the things that have happened that seemed too good to be true.

i'm overwhelmed by God's goodness.

i'm overwhelmed by His love.

i'm overwhelmed by His mercy.

i'm overwhelmed by His grace.

i'm overwhelmed by the awesomeness of His plan.

i'm overwhelmed by HIM!

i can't help myself tonight......i'm overwhelmed...and for once, in a really long time, it's not a bad thing...

thoughts re: warts

I wait so long to blog that i never really get to do a "fun" post...I'm always doing a boring "update"...err...if only my life was more interesting :)

so, lately, I've been busy, busy...good things...

busy with dr appts (see previous posts because I'm not going "there" today)

busy with church projects (so happy that I can be used in any capacity that encourages others)

busy with event planning course (still on unit c, but I'm loving it)

busy with event planning business ideas (more on this in the future)

sometimes being busy is good...in fact, I LOVE being busy! but often times, when you are busy, it involves lots of decision making...some very serious, life-changing even...some not-so-serious. regardless of the severity of the decision, I feel like for me it's easy to become quite anxious.


I REALLY liked this video from Andy Stanley!



wow, right? good points to consider and to practice. i'm definitely a "worry wart" (ewww...gross...who thought of that saying?!?!)

here's another great quote i found on my friend's facebook status :)

"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom." - Henri Nouwen

I feel like this quote goes along perfectly with the A.Stanley video...our society worries a lot about H1N1 (i'm among them, for sure...being a germaphobe doesn't help), war, the economy, being laid off, financial security, homeland security..... the possiblity of becoming a wart is pretty high!

I think it's easy to sit back and say, "What is God thinking?"...especially, knowing that He has full power to change it all. How amazing to know that He knows our secret (and even not-so secret) fears and doubts!

Now, maybe you're wondering what "good" it does for God to know our fears and doubts if you don't see Him doing anything "good" with them...hmmm...

I don't have any pat answers for any of this...I only know what the Bible says and what I feel I know is true in my heart. I've had many reasons to ask God such things. I know that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternally lasting...maybe, there are more things happening that are "unseen" than we could possibly know. I know that God allows things to happen for our good, our benefit, our growth and our character. I know that God loves me...and he loves you too! I know that God's word is MORE than enough...and I know that God's word tells us that God doesn't want us to live in fear, worry or doubt. I know that God made us in His image...and from even from the scientific point of view, our human bodies are amazing and full of wonder!

How can we wonder why God allows bad things to happen, but we never question where the good comes from? Or how can we give God credit for the good, but then wonder what's He thinking or discredit His power when it comes to the "bad"?

I think if we realize that "every good and perfect thing comes from above", we could be grateful to the God that gives us the good AND the bad. If we could acknowledge that God works mysteriously even using methods that seem unfair, we could be grateful...yup, even for the "bad"...because we would know that somehow, in ways I don't always understand...it's really for our good. I think if we realized that God was already in control of everything and we REALLY understood His sovereignty, we would feel ridiculous worrying about things....even things as serious as our health, our children and war. I think that when we say "God is in control", we think we are giving Him control...not true, He IS...ALWAYS has been...ALWAYS will be...in control...We have to admit that otherwise we could mislead ourselves into thinking that we have some power...and as long as we feel we can control things, i don't think we could stop worrying...we would have no peace. Even if we refuse to acknowledge that He is in control, doesn't change the fact that He is, in fact, still completely in control.....even over people that do not believe in Him.

so, this is my random chatter for the day...sorry if my thought are out of order...i'm at work! :)

not just words...

Sometimes, to my dismay, I read way too much into things...I've often been charged with this accusation...I'm a fault finder and sometimes it's hard to turn off, but today I read something into words that I think were correct to assume.

My husband wrote in a text, "I'll be there."

I smiled, knowing that he's dependable, loving, present, on my team, my best friend and everything I could ever ask for.

I know that they weren't just words.....they were a promise.

love him!!

pending

Growing Our Family: pending

Class Certification: pending

Hospital Claims: pending

Home Improvements: pending

Loss of Sanity: pending

What do you do when everything in your life seems to be in pending status?

Watch this video as a reminder of the best thing to do...NOTHING...just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!!

updates, let downs, pick me ups...and all the other directions

So...I figure now is as good a time as any to update BlogWorld on all my "plans" etc...

Some of you already know, but I've been working on a kinda non-profit idea for a while called "No Life Too Small"...see the blog here... you can get the main idea from the NLTS blog, but let me add a little more personal sidenote: I can't wait for this thing to take off and get officially started! I know that it will be such a blessing to me and I can only hope that it will be a blessing to those who are recipients of our efforts! So, I have a TON of flannel fabric in my house...like, bolts and bolts of flannel fabric!! It needs to be cut, washed and sewn into blankets that measure 18"x18" (a little big for a premie, but just the right size for premie OR full size baby :) Planning a sewing party soon so if you want to get involved and you can sew (only basic skills are necessary) let me know!! We need to make a lot of these little blankets in time to celebrate Zachary's birthday on October 26th....I can't believe it's already almost been two years! Did I mention that inside each blanket is a little handwritten prayer for the baby that receives the blanket?? That's my favorite part of it all!!!! So, check out the blog and email me if you want to help us sew!

Also, I've been looking for some "direction" in my life as far as careers blah, blah, blah.... Looked into going back to school and found out I was still a freshman (which was pretty sad if you ask me)... After some deliberation, I made the decision to pursue Wedding & Event Planning!! I'm pretty excited about it...although, also a little scared considering there was a financial investment to take the certification course, but mostly excited!! Can't wait to be self-employed, creative, organized and a snazzy dresser.... Do I have a dream in my head of being like Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner movie? Of course! I mean, she gets huge accounts, wears a fanny pack full of all the necessary equipment to make an event run seamlessly...and let's not forget the super awesome walkie talkie!!! My study books should be mailed out today and now it's an 8-10 business day wait....

Speaking of waiting...I'm getting awful good at it! We are still waiting for the news of Baby #2. Urgh! My dr in her medical wisdom thought it would be best to refer me to a specialist in the field so I'm currently in the overwhelming, anxiety inducing procedure of setting up additional tests and appointments. Have I ever mentioned that I hate doctors...and tests...and more importantly, examinations?!?! Not happy about not being able to see my dr and having to meet an entirely new person (why did I use the word "entirely" there? like I could meet a half of a person??...not changing it now) So, bottom line: I'm not excited at all about the extra "work" that is necessary, but will do anything to make it happen! Well, almost anything! Not looking for sextuplets....just one...or two....ok, and maybe three, but we'll see how it goes!

I keep trying to find lessons in my life and sometimes I feel like there is a TON, but really I come back to the same one and all the others are like mini-variations of the main lesson....GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! So, if the lessons of my life are set up in outline form, it would look like this :)

I. God Has A Plan For Me
A. Trust His Plan
B. Do Not Force My Plan
C. My Plans Are Tentative
D. Do Not Rush His Perfect Timing
E. His Plan and His Timing are Perfect


Get it? There's no Roman numeral II...it's just more and more of Roman numeral I.

I might not be super excited about this plan that He's concocted for me at this point, but I know that His plan is PERFECT and I need to rejoice in the fact that He's in control of my future...because of this, I have a HOPE that is unwavering...even when I feel sick to my stomach and can't breathe :)

it's a good thing

I felt kinda awkward after my last post....that was really all personal stuff that I don't really like anyone to know...but at the same time, I think it is important that people understand that Zachary is still very much a part of my life! Brokenness and vulnerability are a good thing sometimes!

Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...

My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.

brutal, but honest

If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...

Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)

Ok, honesty...here it goes....

I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.

I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...

I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.

I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...

I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...

I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.

I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...

I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....

So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.

One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.

I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.

One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...

Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.