outliving

as i listened to my favorite Christian radio station this morning, KLOVE...i was touched to hear stories of "outliving your life"....basically, the idea of leaving a legacy.

i love the idea of a legacy. it reminds of Nichole Nordeman's lyrics:

"i want to leave a legacy

how will they remember me?

did i choose to love?

did i point to You enough

to make a mark on things?

i want to leave an offering,

a child of mercy and grace who

blessed Your Name unapologetically

and leave that kind of legacy.

i don't have to look too far or too long awhile

to make a lengthy list of all that i enjoy

it's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile

where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

not well-traveled, not well-read, not well-to-do or well bred

just want to hear instead,

"Well done, good and faithful one."

this idea of a legacy, is one of the reasons it's always my pleasure to share Zachary's story.

i can't talk about Zachary without pointing to Jesus...

it was His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that kept us sane...

without Him, i have no story worth mentioning.

interesting to me that typically we believe that most children outlive the lives of their parents...

that didn't happen in Zach's case...

but he DID outlive his own.

i need to get my facts straight.

tomorrow, i take a BIG step...

you may not understand how big a step it is; but for me, it feels huge!

tomorrow, i tell my acupuncturist that i'm "taking a break".

not from her necessarily...but from "trying".

i'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me out of it...

that she's going to think that i'm "burning out"

and that i need some sort of convincing to keep trying....

but here's the thing:

there's a big difference between

GIVING UP and GIVING IN.

i'm making a concious, intentional decision

to actively surrender all the things

i use to trick my mind into thinking

i have some sort of control over having another child.

i know that God controls all things!

He has a plan for me

and knows the best possible scenario for our family.

anyways...

i know that my conviction to step back from acupuncture might not make sense to some...

including my acupuncturist!

i've seen some markable improvements because of my treatments...

and i love my acupuncturist and how she listens and treats me specifically.

but, i know that if i continue, i won't be completely surrendered.

(this post is for me...not for you...but you can read if you'd like :)

i'm just trying to get my facts straight before going in tomorrow.)

first, the last three years of our lives have been extremely stressful

with the loss of our son, Zachary...

the first year after losing him, we dealt with multiple levels of grief, anxiety and depression.

then we jumped right in to having another baby.

closed door.

i exchanged depression because of losing my child

for depression for possibly never being able to have one.

anxiety.

grief.

stress.

all over again.

i say i "exchanged" it but the emotions of losing Zachary

and not being able to have another one are very much intermingled.

sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and nurture the things you DO have...

i get tired of focusing my energy on obtaining something...

i feel it's hard for me to be content,

when i'm always reaching for something else.

i can't hug what i have...

when my hands are still reaching.

i have a hard time distinguishing what has been a physical condition,

and what has been a spiritual lesson.

C.S. Lewis once said,

"you don't have a soul. you are a soul.

you have a body."

no wonder, God uses our bodies to teach us some serious spiritual lessons.

the Bible tells us,

that without faith,

it's impossible to please God.

and then it tells us,

that "the testing of our faith produces steadfastness."

i'm not surprised that God allows certain trials in our lives.

it's hard to understand how a loving God could watch His child hurt;

but when you look at it from a Heavenly perspective....

God allows things to happen in our lives,

to make us steadfast in our faith...

to achieve our number one purpose of living-

to please HIM!

we were created for His pleasure.

He's not some giant puppet master, pulling the strings of our lives...

He's a loving, gentle Father that masterfully designs us

to KNOW HIM.

in the great scheme of things,

it doesn't matter if i have another child...

if i don't have another, i'll have no regrets in Heaven....

that's a Heavenly perspective!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self is wasting away,

our inner self is renewed day by day.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us

an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,

as we look not to the things that are seen

but to the things that are unseen.

For the things that are seen are transient,

but the things that are unseen are eternal."

it has always been my plan to remain proactive...

of course, my desire for a child will not go away.

God knows that.

He gave me that desire!!

and i think that trusting God

is the most proactive thing i can do!

a reminder to myself

it's so easy to praise God when things are good.

it's hard to do so when things aren't.

i'm determined....

to have peace.

to love God.

to embrace lessons learned.

to never stop growing.

to have faith.

to believe that...

"no good thing does the Lord withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

(psalm 84:11)

to hold on to Jesus.

to praise God.

it seems so easy when it's written out in list form...

let's see if i, by His strength, can make it happen.

miracles

i've heard the argument before that childbirth is not a miracle

because it happens all the time.

a miracle is supposedly something mysterious...something like a pilot and co-pilot simultaneously having a heart attack but a passenger on the plane had just completed his pilot licensure and was able to land the plane.

something like that would be out of the ordinary, for sure...

but, i'm not sure it's any more significant than that of giving birth.

would it only be a miracle if it was someone who couldn't have a child that gave birth?

would it even be a miracle then?!

i refuse to be less amazed with a baby's first cry or the grip of it's hand...

God gives us life

and that means that life has been divinely and supernaturally given...

how is that NOT a miracle?!?!

a miracle should not be diminished by it's frequent occurence....

people are spontaneously healed from diseases every day...but we still call it a miracle!

so, life is given every day...let's call it what it is.

i fear that if we stop looking at life as what it really is,

it will be reduced to what it really isn't.

in the same way, i refuse to believe that miracles can't happen to me!

i took a look at all the miracles that Jesus did....apart from His own virgin birth and resurrection, He healed the blind, the lepers, the crippled, the deaf...raised people from the dead, turned water into wine, fed 5,000 people with enough food for one, calmed the sea, healed a severed ear, cast out demons, walked on water...

and saved my soul!!

how can i not trust Him to calm my storms, to provide for me when there's little, to heal my body?!? how could i praise Him for it and still believe it's commonplace?

help me not to become ignorant to God's

divine intervention in my life!

so, i'm gonna keep praying for my miracle because...

i believe in miracles because i believe in God.

"keep looking up...afterall, that's where miracles come from"

we are breaking up.

dear love of my life,

we need to talk.

i love you.

i always have.

i always will.

i always thought this love was mutual....

but lately...

i'm noticing that you haven't been treating me the same as you use to.

when we were together, i use to feel happy and content...

and now i just feel guilt.

i know we shouldn't be together. it's just not a healthy relationship.

it seems to be take, take, take and you really give me nothing but little to no self-respect.

we've had some good times.

staying up til late in the night. watching movies. secretly meeting in the bathroom.

you've gotten me through some hard times too...

emotional meltdowns, break ups, mid-terms...

you've always been there for me to depend on.

i know i just saw you a few moments ago and could have told you this in person.

i apologize for this public humiliation.

you really do make my heart beat a little bit faster.

i know i'll miss you more.

and in my weakness, i may want to return to you.

maybe it's because i'm getting older and i'm changing...maybe i expect too much...

maybe i know i deserve more.

but for now, Chocolate, we are through.

this is just the way it has to be.

warmly,

jaclyn, a secret fatty

when the wait is over...

i could take a break from sucking in my stomach. i could use a break from that.

i could start liking my outfits instead of thinking..."this outfit would be so cute...IF my stomach was a baby and not bloated fattiness".

i could feel guilt-free about not exercising...afterall, i'll have to take it easy.

i could justify eating ice cream everyday as my dairy.

i could get away with having chipped toe nail polish...i wouldn't be able to reach my feet anyways.

i could get away with not shaving my legs???....um, probably couldn't get away with that one for long.

most of all...

i could see the flicker of life on an ultrasound screen before the heartbeat is even audible.

i could hear the swirly sound of my baby's heart pumping life into his little body.

i could feel kicks and squirms.....i so long to feel kicks and squirms again.

i could decorate his nursery...marking a physical home for him.

i could have a baby shower...anticipating his arrival!

i could hold my baby!!!

i CAN'T WAIT for the wait to be over!

secretly, i hope i win this...

check out a great giveaway here!

simplify

recently, nate and i have made important decisions to actively simplify our lives. the last three years of our lives have been...complicated...complex...not any more.

circumstances did not pan out the way we intended or desired, but hey! that's ok with us! we are trusting in God's plan and we know that it's much better than what our limited brains could conjure up.

we moved into an apartment which puts us in a much better position from every angle. i'd go into more detail, but internet, i don't trust you so much :)

anyways, my point...

as we moved (and continue to move since we aren't completely finished yet), we had to make decisions on what stuff we were gonna bring with us. we moved all of our necessary stuff over to the apartment and have been doing fine without the rest...the fact is, we still have a house full of junk that we literally don't even need or use. i found myself holding an item in my hand and trying to convince myself that i DON'T need it and that i DO need it at the same time...sorta multiple personalities of me. my only argument on both sides is "i haven't used this in 5 years, BUT what if i NEED this next week".

new starts call for simplification...don't bring the same junk with you.

confession:

three years ago, i stopped praying.

well, i still prayed, but nothing like what i use to.

i lost intimacy.

intimacy with my Best Friend.

i prayed fervently at my little man's bedside...i was devastated that God didn't answer my prayers according to my desires. but, my desire isn't what prayer is all about.

i'm learning that.

i stopped praying because i began to feel that prayer was a risk. prayer is hopeful. and hope is a gamble sometimes.

does hope lead to a bigger devastation?? i think that's what i thought.

not anymore.

prayer simplifies things. negativity, hopelessness, self-pity.....they complicate things.

i cannot simply rely on the fact that God knows my desires, my thoughts, my needs. He longs to know me daily...for me to know Him. the Bible says that the prayers of a righteous person accomplishes a lot! i want to be productive in my prayer life.

so, maybe prayer doesn't change circumstances,

but prayer certainly changes me.

out with the old; in with the new

the game of LIFE

i stink at playing games. i always have. my brother and i use to play games all the time. he taught me how to play chess and checkers, monopoly, uno, knock hockey, fireball island....

all these games are different. the common denominator is that i lost every time and cried hysterically every time. i'm the worst loser.

my life lately has reminded me of the feeling of getting run over by a rogue fireball, getting my hand smacked by a hockey stick, drawing four, getting sent directly to jail without passing "go", and getting check mated...

basically, i feel like i'm losing at this game of life. while everyone else out there is setting goals and becoming winners....i'm stuck being the loser.

i'm behind bars watching everyone pass "go" and collect $200...they even pick up beauty contest awards from community chest...they yell out "uno" and it just so happens to be their color....

when i think about it...i've probably learned more about life by being a loser than i probably would have if i was always a winner.

does this sound like a pity party?? um, probably....but i'm admitting this because i'm changing my ways...

i have to learn to take the hits when they keep coming. Faith, Family and Friends....that's all i need to make my life worth while. (hahaha...that just reminded me of "the jerk" with Steve Martin...."and this chair! and that's all i need...and this lamp...and that's all i need! the chair and the lamp and this thermos! and that's all i need!...sorry, serious sidenote)

instead of submitting to the urge to only feel emptiness, i'm going to start filling that emptiness with faith, family and friends.

i've been delurking myself all week

CALLING ALL LURKERS!!! Now is the time to come out of those dark corners of the internet and boldly pronounce that you've found some kind of interest in reading my random thoughts...Yes, you check in monthly, weekly...or maybe even daily and you read what should be just scribbles in a notebook....You've been found out! I know you are out there! You are more than welcome to peruse the pages of this site in complete privacy, but I beckon to you to disclose your identity by taking 2 seconds to leave a comment!

As always, thanks for reading my blog! I just want to get to know who's out there so I can follow you too!!!

coincidence?!?!

i made a resolution (more on this later) to read the whole Bible in a year....granted, i have other facebook friends that have decided to do it in 90 days which kinda makes my commitment look kinda shabby; but regardless, it's a commitment! i chose my reading plan at YouVersion.com. you can also set up an account and read along with me...i chose the "life journal reading plan"...which schedules you to read the old testament once and the new testament twice in year...i tried to do this last year, but got stumped somewhere in the middle of Leviticus

anyways, i was totally blessed yesterday as i was reading because technically, it was my first day.....yes, you read that right....my resolution was already failing only 6 days into the new year so I had a lot of catching up to do....

i started with the chapters i was scheduled to read in Genesis and what do you think it had for me there?! well, they were the chapters where Abraham and Sarah doubt that God would bless them with the many children promised to them......and what about the chapters i was scheduled to read in Luke?!?! it was the chapters where Elizabeth who was barren found out she conceived John and Mary found out about the miraculous conception of Jesus......

my heart was happy when i realized that miracles STILL happen....

my hope is that at the end of my life, it can be said "BY FAITH, Jaclyn dealt with many dark days, the grief of losing her son, the hardship caused by poor decisions, the fear of failure, anxiety over the future......and because of her FAITH, she NEVER lost sight of God's love and the HOPE He offers so freely....because of her salvation, she stands firm upon the promise of Heaven where all wrongs will be made right and there is no more tears...despite her circumstances, she always remained confident in God's bigger purpose"

so.....that sounded like a eulogy but you get my point :)

rising or setting

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.

desert vs dessert

when i was a kid, i learned a lot of fun ways to remember how to spell things...for instance, NECESSARY is Norman Eats Candy, Eggs, Sardine Sandwiches and Raw Yolks (gross)....SEPARATE- you always want to be sepArate from A RAT (get it?)....

a lot of spelling i learned from cheerleading too...i will never forget how to spell PSYCHED, AGGRESSIVE, or SUCCESS...ever!

the way i remember the difference between desert and dessert is the secret found in the s's...

the one with two s's is the one you usually want MORE of....DESSERT...yummy, chocolate, delicious.....frosting....mmMMMmmm....(ok, fatty, get back to your post...)

anyways, i thought today about how that's how we are in life....we are always looking more for DeSSert...the good and usually temporary things in life....not realizing that sometimes the dry, DeSert parts of our life are equally, if not MORE, important because they produce things that are lasting!!

if you are going through a deSert time, remember... "tested faith produces endurance, maturity and God's rich reward". (also, check out this song)

.....and God's RICH reward will be better than chocolate!

the importance of patience

"practice patience"

"patience is a virtue"

this post is a sequel to my last post...i had to continue my thoughts about waiting because post-blogging i realized that there was a necessary element of waiting that i forgot to touch on:

patience

i hate that word...patience does not come easily to me...you can wait pretty easily because...well, there really isn't any other choice other than waiting...there's usually no control over whether to wait or not to wait....but to choose to wait patiently?...that's the part we have control over and that's the tricky part!

i realize that in the process of waiting, i have the opportunity to practice patience....but it's also exercising my ability to keep faith. last night MW said, "waiting is the lost art of faith"...and i couldn't agree more!

without patience, waiting is just an anxious-driven, neurotic checking of the calendar.....a stale attempt at faith.

waiting without patience is faith without virtue....therefore, not really faith at all.

the importance of waiting...

do you know that if you were to live for 65 years, you would spend a little more than half of that time waiting?!

it's no wonder i feel like i've been waiting for most of my life! maybe i'm getting all my waiting checked off the list before i get to mid-life.....my retirement years are gonna be awesome! i will get to the front of the line every time.....only green lights for me!....i will get what i want instantaneously!....

do you know that on average, we spend 8 hours of our lives just waiting at red lights??

we spend an average of 3 years just standing in line!!!!

how do you think life would change if we had instant gratification of every whimsical desire we had?? do you think we would be grateful as much for the fulfillment?? i doubt it...

there are so many things we wait for....

professional opportunities

prayers to be answered

soldiers to come home

babies to arrive

sickness to depart

bodies to be healed

homes to be sold

friday to come

good news to share

we basically have to wait for everything....and even though sometimes, it's really hard...doesn't the waiting make it more incredible?? once whatever you're waiting for happens, doesn't it make you so grateful because you desired it so much more?? while you're waiting, you can't imagine wanting anything more........and then, all of a sudden, you have it!!

is the wait worth it??!?!

i think so....i know so....

"when i think the best is yet to come, i smile"....and i wait for it.

lingo

welcome to my world....(that statement does not contradict my last post...it's just a saying...)

my DH and i began TTC 15AF's ago...the OB has a few pointers when starting out....stop taking BCP, start taking FA, track your BBT and CM, time your LO and then hopefully you will get a BFP when you POAS...unfortunately, for the last 15AF's, DH and I have only seen BFN. My OB referred me to an RE for IF. We are stocked up on OTC HPT's and EPT's and OPK's. The roller coaster starts over on CD1 when the RE orders BW to get my P4 checked...numerous U/S monitor the FP and the effects of FSH...(not to mention 2 uncomfortable HSG)...then to endure the dreadful 2ww. Thank goodness we don't have any other Dx...just AO...It could be worse. We could have multiple MF such as LSP...or i could have PCOS. We still have some options such as IUI, IVF and ICSI. Hopefully, the 15th COW since TTC will be lucky one! We would have an EDD and even be able to hear the FHR.

BTW, i understand that most of you won't understand this post...lucky you! OTOH, for all my FF who do understand this and can read it like a second language, FTTA...hope you get your BFP!!!

HIS world

How often do we act like as though we are, in some way, "inviting" God into OUR world??

we "make time" for God...

we "give Him credit" for creation...

we "include Him" in special events...

we "keep Him number one" in our lives....

The grandest invitation we've ever received is the one postmarked thousands of years ago when God chose to invite US into HIS world!

HE made time for US.

HE gave Himself credit when He said "it is good"...He doesn't need our stamp of approval.

HE made US for HIS pleasure...not our own.

HE is already part of every event...special or ordinary.

HE is ALREADY number one...He is the first and last...EVERYTHING starts and ends with HIM.

How thankful I am, that HE has invited us to partake of HIS world...may we not get so wrapped up in it that we lose sight of how spectacular that really is.

more of Him...less of "you know who"

you know what? even if you think you are doing something that looks like God's Will, sounds like a God-thing, feels like it's from God.....doesn't mean that it wasn't completely calculated by my own will....i was thinking about how much i want to "do" stuff...i really want God to use me and all the things that have happened in my life...but what about the details? - i think i make them up all on my own...i never have a sense of settled determination...i find myself waiting, never putting my ideas into action.

two things come to mind:

1. what am i waiting for?

and...

2. maybe this isn't what God wants

if i was SURE of God's plan, would i be twiddling my thumbs in delay.....and if it's NOT what God wants then i need to know what He does want so i can be there...appropriately placed and available.

sometimes, i feel i interfere with the real plan that God has for me...i just need to get out of my own way...

overwhelmed

it's late tonight as i type...nate is working tonight and i bought a ton of new music and i can't seem to turn it off...i think i'm gonna listen to all 6 cd's before finally greeting my pillow...

anyways, as i sit here watching the news, listening to my spirit-encouraging music, not really enjoying the solitude, but at least relaxing on the couch...i can't help but think about life.

life--i don't know...it's kind of a funny thing when you think about it. i mean, we are here. we were created. we have ups...we have downs...both are inevitable. think about your life...all the people that have come in and out of it...all the things you've been through that you didn't think you could handle...all the things that have happened that seemed too good to be true.

i'm overwhelmed by God's goodness.

i'm overwhelmed by His love.

i'm overwhelmed by His mercy.

i'm overwhelmed by His grace.

i'm overwhelmed by the awesomeness of His plan.

i'm overwhelmed by HIM!

i can't help myself tonight......i'm overwhelmed...and for once, in a really long time, it's not a bad thing...

thoughts re: warts

I wait so long to blog that i never really get to do a "fun" post...I'm always doing a boring "update"...err...if only my life was more interesting :)

so, lately, I've been busy, busy...good things...

busy with dr appts (see previous posts because I'm not going "there" today)

busy with church projects (so happy that I can be used in any capacity that encourages others)

busy with event planning course (still on unit c, but I'm loving it)

busy with event planning business ideas (more on this in the future)

sometimes being busy is good...in fact, I LOVE being busy! but often times, when you are busy, it involves lots of decision making...some very serious, life-changing even...some not-so-serious. regardless of the severity of the decision, I feel like for me it's easy to become quite anxious.


I REALLY liked this video from Andy Stanley!



wow, right? good points to consider and to practice. i'm definitely a "worry wart" (ewww...gross...who thought of that saying?!?!)

here's another great quote i found on my friend's facebook status :)

"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom." - Henri Nouwen

I feel like this quote goes along perfectly with the A.Stanley video...our society worries a lot about H1N1 (i'm among them, for sure...being a germaphobe doesn't help), war, the economy, being laid off, financial security, homeland security..... the possiblity of becoming a wart is pretty high!

I think it's easy to sit back and say, "What is God thinking?"...especially, knowing that He has full power to change it all. How amazing to know that He knows our secret (and even not-so secret) fears and doubts!

Now, maybe you're wondering what "good" it does for God to know our fears and doubts if you don't see Him doing anything "good" with them...hmmm...

I don't have any pat answers for any of this...I only know what the Bible says and what I feel I know is true in my heart. I've had many reasons to ask God such things. I know that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternally lasting...maybe, there are more things happening that are "unseen" than we could possibly know. I know that God allows things to happen for our good, our benefit, our growth and our character. I know that God loves me...and he loves you too! I know that God's word is MORE than enough...and I know that God's word tells us that God doesn't want us to live in fear, worry or doubt. I know that God made us in His image...and from even from the scientific point of view, our human bodies are amazing and full of wonder!

How can we wonder why God allows bad things to happen, but we never question where the good comes from? Or how can we give God credit for the good, but then wonder what's He thinking or discredit His power when it comes to the "bad"?

I think if we realize that "every good and perfect thing comes from above", we could be grateful to the God that gives us the good AND the bad. If we could acknowledge that God works mysteriously even using methods that seem unfair, we could be grateful...yup, even for the "bad"...because we would know that somehow, in ways I don't always understand...it's really for our good. I think if we realized that God was already in control of everything and we REALLY understood His sovereignty, we would feel ridiculous worrying about things....even things as serious as our health, our children and war. I think that when we say "God is in control", we think we are giving Him control...not true, He IS...ALWAYS has been...ALWAYS will be...in control...We have to admit that otherwise we could mislead ourselves into thinking that we have some power...and as long as we feel we can control things, i don't think we could stop worrying...we would have no peace. Even if we refuse to acknowledge that He is in control, doesn't change the fact that He is, in fact, still completely in control.....even over people that do not believe in Him.

so, this is my random chatter for the day...sorry if my thought are out of order...i'm at work! :)