outliving

as i listened to my favorite Christian radio station this morning, KLOVE...i was touched to hear stories of "outliving your life"....basically, the idea of leaving a legacy.

i love the idea of a legacy. it reminds of Nichole Nordeman's lyrics:

"i want to leave a legacy

how will they remember me?

did i choose to love?

did i point to You enough

to make a mark on things?

i want to leave an offering,

a child of mercy and grace who

blessed Your Name unapologetically

and leave that kind of legacy.

i don't have to look too far or too long awhile

to make a lengthy list of all that i enjoy

it's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile

where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

not well-traveled, not well-read, not well-to-do or well bred

just want to hear instead,

"Well done, good and faithful one."

this idea of a legacy, is one of the reasons it's always my pleasure to share Zachary's story.

i can't talk about Zachary without pointing to Jesus...

it was His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that kept us sane...

without Him, i have no story worth mentioning.

interesting to me that typically we believe that most children outlive the lives of their parents...

that didn't happen in Zach's case...

but he DID outlive his own.

answers

ever ask God something over and over and over again and wonder what the answer was?

i have.

i've asked God why He took Zach from us...and although there are many reasons that i know now, i don't think i'll have a complete perspective until Heaven...

sometimes answers come in the form of a test result...

sometimes they come in a form of answered prayer...

this time, mine was a combination of both!

this week, i got answers to "why aren't you giving me a baby?!"

...and i'm blown away by His sovereignty...

because by NOT answering that prayer the way i wanted,

He DID answer a different prayer of mine!

to protect my future baby.

when i think about the last two years of trying...

when i think about all the disappointment...

all the tears...

all the anger...

all the jealousy...

it's seems kinda silly!

because He knew better to answer the more important prayer.

none of those emotions would compare to the tremendous pain of losing another child,

which is what likely could have happened if i went untreated.

it's a really different feeling to be thankful that i didn't get pregnant the last two years.

after all the different treatments i tried that really should have worked...

they didn't...

and there's a perfectly good reason for it!

now, to fix the root problem!

Thank you, God for your answers...

and for showing me bits and pieces of your plan

even when You don't need to clue me in.

Continue to guide and lead us in our journey.

We put our trust You.

i need to get my facts straight.

tomorrow, i take a BIG step...

you may not understand how big a step it is; but for me, it feels huge!

tomorrow, i tell my acupuncturist that i'm "taking a break".

not from her necessarily...but from "trying".

i'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me out of it...

that she's going to think that i'm "burning out"

and that i need some sort of convincing to keep trying....

but here's the thing:

there's a big difference between

GIVING UP and GIVING IN.

i'm making a concious, intentional decision

to actively surrender all the things

i use to trick my mind into thinking

i have some sort of control over having another child.

i know that God controls all things!

He has a plan for me

and knows the best possible scenario for our family.

anyways...

i know that my conviction to step back from acupuncture might not make sense to some...

including my acupuncturist!

i've seen some markable improvements because of my treatments...

and i love my acupuncturist and how she listens and treats me specifically.

but, i know that if i continue, i won't be completely surrendered.

(this post is for me...not for you...but you can read if you'd like :)

i'm just trying to get my facts straight before going in tomorrow.)

first, the last three years of our lives have been extremely stressful

with the loss of our son, Zachary...

the first year after losing him, we dealt with multiple levels of grief, anxiety and depression.

then we jumped right in to having another baby.

closed door.

i exchanged depression because of losing my child

for depression for possibly never being able to have one.

anxiety.

grief.

stress.

all over again.

i say i "exchanged" it but the emotions of losing Zachary

and not being able to have another one are very much intermingled.

sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and nurture the things you DO have...

i get tired of focusing my energy on obtaining something...

i feel it's hard for me to be content,

when i'm always reaching for something else.

i can't hug what i have...

when my hands are still reaching.

i have a hard time distinguishing what has been a physical condition,

and what has been a spiritual lesson.

C.S. Lewis once said,

"you don't have a soul. you are a soul.

you have a body."

no wonder, God uses our bodies to teach us some serious spiritual lessons.

the Bible tells us,

that without faith,

it's impossible to please God.

and then it tells us,

that "the testing of our faith produces steadfastness."

i'm not surprised that God allows certain trials in our lives.

it's hard to understand how a loving God could watch His child hurt;

but when you look at it from a Heavenly perspective....

God allows things to happen in our lives,

to make us steadfast in our faith...

to achieve our number one purpose of living-

to please HIM!

we were created for His pleasure.

He's not some giant puppet master, pulling the strings of our lives...

He's a loving, gentle Father that masterfully designs us

to KNOW HIM.

in the great scheme of things,

it doesn't matter if i have another child...

if i don't have another, i'll have no regrets in Heaven....

that's a Heavenly perspective!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self is wasting away,

our inner self is renewed day by day.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us

an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,

as we look not to the things that are seen

but to the things that are unseen.

For the things that are seen are transient,

but the things that are unseen are eternal."

it has always been my plan to remain proactive...

of course, my desire for a child will not go away.

God knows that.

He gave me that desire!!

and i think that trusting God

is the most proactive thing i can do!

wilderness and the promised land

last night at church, pastor made a brief statement about how the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the promised land. he said that they were in this "stuck"/"wandering" condition because of their unbelief and continued to say that many died over the course of that 40 years without ever reaching the land that God promised them.

i couldn't help but relate to those Israelites...

wandering.....stuck....deserted....knowing that

God has something better planned,

but feeling like it's unattainable.

i've been thinking this past week or so that maybe...just maybe...i don't surrender completely to God's plan...maybe i have a belief problem...maybe i have a little bit of difficulty believing God's promises.

how terrifying to think that this waiting period...this wandering...this stuckness...could be a symptom of my disbelief...or even just the fact that i try too hard to control my circumstances.

i need to surrender.

i need to keep my eyes focused on what's promised.

hey! being in the wilderness isn't all bad!!

during the time of their wandering, the Israelites saw miracles happen...

the parting of the red sea

moses striking the rock bringing forth water

manna from heaven

the burning bush

i'm gonna keep my eyes open for those inevitable miracles....but for now, i'm submitting to the fact that God has a plan for me and i'm loosening my grip on the situations i'm trying to control.

i believe that when i surrender....the biggest miracle of all will happen.

the "promised land" looks pretty good from here...

i'll be there soon.

a reminder to myself

it's so easy to praise God when things are good.

it's hard to do so when things aren't.

i'm determined....

to have peace.

to love God.

to embrace lessons learned.

to never stop growing.

to have faith.

to believe that...

"no good thing does the Lord withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

(psalm 84:11)

to hold on to Jesus.

to praise God.

it seems so easy when it's written out in list form...

let's see if i, by His strength, can make it happen.

miracles

i've heard the argument before that childbirth is not a miracle

because it happens all the time.

a miracle is supposedly something mysterious...something like a pilot and co-pilot simultaneously having a heart attack but a passenger on the plane had just completed his pilot licensure and was able to land the plane.

something like that would be out of the ordinary, for sure...

but, i'm not sure it's any more significant than that of giving birth.

would it only be a miracle if it was someone who couldn't have a child that gave birth?

would it even be a miracle then?!

i refuse to be less amazed with a baby's first cry or the grip of it's hand...

God gives us life

and that means that life has been divinely and supernaturally given...

how is that NOT a miracle?!?!

a miracle should not be diminished by it's frequent occurence....

people are spontaneously healed from diseases every day...but we still call it a miracle!

so, life is given every day...let's call it what it is.

i fear that if we stop looking at life as what it really is,

it will be reduced to what it really isn't.

in the same way, i refuse to believe that miracles can't happen to me!

i took a look at all the miracles that Jesus did....apart from His own virgin birth and resurrection, He healed the blind, the lepers, the crippled, the deaf...raised people from the dead, turned water into wine, fed 5,000 people with enough food for one, calmed the sea, healed a severed ear, cast out demons, walked on water...

and saved my soul!!

how can i not trust Him to calm my storms, to provide for me when there's little, to heal my body?!? how could i praise Him for it and still believe it's commonplace?

help me not to become ignorant to God's

divine intervention in my life!

so, i'm gonna keep praying for my miracle because...

i believe in miracles because i believe in God.

"keep looking up...afterall, that's where miracles come from"

we are breaking up.

dear love of my life,

we need to talk.

i love you.

i always have.

i always will.

i always thought this love was mutual....

but lately...

i'm noticing that you haven't been treating me the same as you use to.

when we were together, i use to feel happy and content...

and now i just feel guilt.

i know we shouldn't be together. it's just not a healthy relationship.

it seems to be take, take, take and you really give me nothing but little to no self-respect.

we've had some good times.

staying up til late in the night. watching movies. secretly meeting in the bathroom.

you've gotten me through some hard times too...

emotional meltdowns, break ups, mid-terms...

you've always been there for me to depend on.

i know i just saw you a few moments ago and could have told you this in person.

i apologize for this public humiliation.

you really do make my heart beat a little bit faster.

i know i'll miss you more.

and in my weakness, i may want to return to you.

maybe it's because i'm getting older and i'm changing...maybe i expect too much...

maybe i know i deserve more.

but for now, Chocolate, we are through.

this is just the way it has to be.

warmly,

jaclyn, a secret fatty

when the wait is over...

i could take a break from sucking in my stomach. i could use a break from that.

i could start liking my outfits instead of thinking..."this outfit would be so cute...IF my stomach was a baby and not bloated fattiness".

i could feel guilt-free about not exercising...afterall, i'll have to take it easy.

i could justify eating ice cream everyday as my dairy.

i could get away with having chipped toe nail polish...i wouldn't be able to reach my feet anyways.

i could get away with not shaving my legs???....um, probably couldn't get away with that one for long.

most of all...

i could see the flicker of life on an ultrasound screen before the heartbeat is even audible.

i could hear the swirly sound of my baby's heart pumping life into his little body.

i could feel kicks and squirms.....i so long to feel kicks and squirms again.

i could decorate his nursery...marking a physical home for him.

i could have a baby shower...anticipating his arrival!

i could hold my baby!!!

i CAN'T WAIT for the wait to be over!

amazing love!

Every Thursday night, I can be found with a bunch of girls studying the book of Daniel. It's just a small chapter of God's great love letter to us. I challenged myself to actually complete the entire 12 week study without fizzling...I think I'm on week 4.

If interested in checking out the study, It's "Daniel: Lives of Integrity; Words of Prophecy" by Beth Moore.

Anyways, I was reading through this week's homework and I love when things stick out! For me, things that stick out should be noted since most times I'm a skimmer when reading.

She wrote, ".....Not a pagan king like Nebuchadnezzar, but a king after God's own heart. King David has sinned grievously against God by committing adultery with Bathsheba and having her husband, Uriah, killed in battle. Furthermore, David refused to own up to his sin for months."

So, obviously that's just an excerpt and you wouldn't really get her point, but here's my point:

David was a "man after God's own heart"?? Does anyone else find this odd?! That David, an adulterer, a murderer...a conspirer....was the best that God could find?!?!

I love, love, love that God loves us despite the ugliness of our sin. Christ came to save us, but He came when we were still sinners. He came to redeem us. It's quite frankly amazing to think about!!

We are so limited with our understanding of love and forgiveness!!

The apostle Paul shares some beautiful insights about unbelief vs. God's redeeming love:

Romans 11:11-23

vs. 17--->But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree, do not be arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you. Then you will say, "Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in". That is true. They were broken off because of their unbelief, but you stand fast through faith. So do not become proud, but fear. For if God did not spare the natural branches, neither will he spare you. Note then the kindness and severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God's kindness to you, provided you continue in His kindness. Otherwise you too will be cut off. And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again. <---vs. 23

Thank you, God for the mysteries of Your redeeming love!

simplify

recently, nate and i have made important decisions to actively simplify our lives. the last three years of our lives have been...complicated...complex...not any more.

circumstances did not pan out the way we intended or desired, but hey! that's ok with us! we are trusting in God's plan and we know that it's much better than what our limited brains could conjure up.

we moved into an apartment which puts us in a much better position from every angle. i'd go into more detail, but internet, i don't trust you so much :)

anyways, my point...

as we moved (and continue to move since we aren't completely finished yet), we had to make decisions on what stuff we were gonna bring with us. we moved all of our necessary stuff over to the apartment and have been doing fine without the rest...the fact is, we still have a house full of junk that we literally don't even need or use. i found myself holding an item in my hand and trying to convince myself that i DON'T need it and that i DO need it at the same time...sorta multiple personalities of me. my only argument on both sides is "i haven't used this in 5 years, BUT what if i NEED this next week".

new starts call for simplification...don't bring the same junk with you.

confession:

three years ago, i stopped praying.

well, i still prayed, but nothing like what i use to.

i lost intimacy.

intimacy with my Best Friend.

i prayed fervently at my little man's bedside...i was devastated that God didn't answer my prayers according to my desires. but, my desire isn't what prayer is all about.

i'm learning that.

i stopped praying because i began to feel that prayer was a risk. prayer is hopeful. and hope is a gamble sometimes.

does hope lead to a bigger devastation?? i think that's what i thought.

not anymore.

prayer simplifies things. negativity, hopelessness, self-pity.....they complicate things.

i cannot simply rely on the fact that God knows my desires, my thoughts, my needs. He longs to know me daily...for me to know Him. the Bible says that the prayers of a righteous person accomplishes a lot! i want to be productive in my prayer life.

so, maybe prayer doesn't change circumstances,

but prayer certainly changes me.

out with the old; in with the new

2 Timothy 4

"Preach the Word;

be ready in season and out of season;

reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching,

but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves

teachers to suit their own passions,

and will turn away from listening to the truth and

wander off into myths.

As for you,

always be sober-minded,

endure suffering,

do the work of an evangelist,

fulfill your ministry."

senses

taste. feel. touch. sound. sight.

it's amazing how God designed us with senses that help us take advantage of His creation...we can witness a flock of birds bursting out of a tree, aligning themselves into the perfect "v" formation....we can be brought to another country by tasting the palette of flavors in any cuisine...we can be reminded of our childhood teddy bear by brushing our skin up against a familiar texture...

i love that the smell of my lipgloss brings me back to the nicu...i obsessively applied my lipgloss while in the nicu and the smell of it now reminds me of the days that zachary was still here with us...i refuse to switch flavors and i don't know what i'll do when Bath & Body no longer makes it...

i hate the smell of purell...it reminds me of how much i had to un-contaminate myself before even seeing him...it just reminds me that i didn't get to hold him...BUT, it also reminds me of how excited i use to feel knowing that washing our hands in the scrub down room meant we were going to see him.

i love that there's a small part on nate's forehead that feels just like zachary's....it's the part right before the hair line that has that baby hair feel...

i love that i have pictures to help remind me of those days....

but i hate that staring at them can never bring him back. i can stare at the only picture i have of me kissing zachary on the forehead, but nothing can bring me back to that kind of physical closeness with him (while i'm still here on earth, of course...)

today kinda stinks. i miss my little man...

i'm thankful for my senses that bring me back to him.

rising or setting

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.

i think in word pictures

This whole time, I felt like I was on an icy lake...I was carrying a very large burden and I was scared that the extra weight would break the ice...At first, I stayed close to the shore because I knew that at any moment I could jump off to safety...there was also a Man on the shore that I knew would reach out His hand if the ice started to crack...In fact, the ice DID crack and instead of reaching my hand out for His, I ran away from crack further towards the center of the frozen lake, holding on to my burden as though it could be a life preserver with an impossible delusion that I could out run the crack...Before long, the growing crack reached my feet and I lost confidence in the ice and my burden. The further from the shore I got, the thinner and more uncertain the icy terrain became until I finally came to the end of myself and decided that I had to face the crevasse that separated me from the shore head on...of course, I couldn't take my burden with me on my return trek ...the weight of it would surely break the ice...so I let go of it and left it in the center of the lake...I didn't carefully watch my step, I ran with speed to the shore and reached for His hand.

hope unbroken...

"Jesus Christ is the same...

Yesterday,

Today,

and Forever."

the importance of patience

"practice patience"

"patience is a virtue"

this post is a sequel to my last post...i had to continue my thoughts about waiting because post-blogging i realized that there was a necessary element of waiting that i forgot to touch on:

patience

i hate that word...patience does not come easily to me...you can wait pretty easily because...well, there really isn't any other choice other than waiting...there's usually no control over whether to wait or not to wait....but to choose to wait patiently?...that's the part we have control over and that's the tricky part!

i realize that in the process of waiting, i have the opportunity to practice patience....but it's also exercising my ability to keep faith. last night MW said, "waiting is the lost art of faith"...and i couldn't agree more!

without patience, waiting is just an anxious-driven, neurotic checking of the calendar.....a stale attempt at faith.

waiting without patience is faith without virtue....therefore, not really faith at all.

the importance of waiting...

do you know that if you were to live for 65 years, you would spend a little more than half of that time waiting?!

it's no wonder i feel like i've been waiting for most of my life! maybe i'm getting all my waiting checked off the list before i get to mid-life.....my retirement years are gonna be awesome! i will get to the front of the line every time.....only green lights for me!....i will get what i want instantaneously!....

do you know that on average, we spend 8 hours of our lives just waiting at red lights??

we spend an average of 3 years just standing in line!!!!

how do you think life would change if we had instant gratification of every whimsical desire we had?? do you think we would be grateful as much for the fulfillment?? i doubt it...

there are so many things we wait for....

professional opportunities

prayers to be answered

soldiers to come home

babies to arrive

sickness to depart

bodies to be healed

homes to be sold

friday to come

good news to share

we basically have to wait for everything....and even though sometimes, it's really hard...doesn't the waiting make it more incredible?? once whatever you're waiting for happens, doesn't it make you so grateful because you desired it so much more?? while you're waiting, you can't imagine wanting anything more........and then, all of a sudden, you have it!!

is the wait worth it??!?!

i think so....i know so....

"when i think the best is yet to come, i smile"....and i wait for it.

lingo

welcome to my world....(that statement does not contradict my last post...it's just a saying...)

my DH and i began TTC 15AF's ago...the OB has a few pointers when starting out....stop taking BCP, start taking FA, track your BBT and CM, time your LO and then hopefully you will get a BFP when you POAS...unfortunately, for the last 15AF's, DH and I have only seen BFN. My OB referred me to an RE for IF. We are stocked up on OTC HPT's and EPT's and OPK's. The roller coaster starts over on CD1 when the RE orders BW to get my P4 checked...numerous U/S monitor the FP and the effects of FSH...(not to mention 2 uncomfortable HSG)...then to endure the dreadful 2ww. Thank goodness we don't have any other Dx...just AO...It could be worse. We could have multiple MF such as LSP...or i could have PCOS. We still have some options such as IUI, IVF and ICSI. Hopefully, the 15th COW since TTC will be lucky one! We would have an EDD and even be able to hear the FHR.

BTW, i understand that most of you won't understand this post...lucky you! OTOH, for all my FF who do understand this and can read it like a second language, FTTA...hope you get your BFP!!!

a day late...

...but i'm still thankful...

yesterday morning, nate and i had the opportunity to volunteer at the local rescue mission with some friends. one thing i overheard from one of the volunteers in reference to a mis-shapen piece of pie was, "beggars can't be choosers". when we got in the car, i started to tell nate, "Things you shouldn't say at a rescue mission..." and he finished my sentence by saying, "beggars can't be choosers"...so apparently this guy said it several times during our short two hour shift.

..."Beggars can't be choosers"...

hmm, that really bugged me. i realize that we are ALL one bad decision or one unfortunate turn of events away from also being "beggars".....i wonder if i could accept such a gift knowing the giver had the mentality, "beggars can't be choosers".

i was reminded of the passage in 2 Samuel 9 (read full chapter here), the story of Mephibosheth. David was annointed king and remembered and respected his friend, Jonathan. He asked, "Is there anyone still living from the family of Saul (Jonathan's father) that I can show kindness to?" A servant of his told him of Mephibosheth and he was invited to meet with David, the king. The story of Mephibosheth is a sad one....he was five years old when his nurse fell while holding him and he became crippled in both legs (2 Samuel 4:4)

when Mephibosheth met with David, he was rewarded with everything he would of had if his own father was king...he was just like one of David's very own sons. the verse that sticks out the most for me is, "What is your servant, that you should show regard for a dead dog such as i?"

he considered himself "a dead dog"...utterly humbled by the fact that he was offered an incredible new life of royalty....

just like Mephibosheth, there is a place for me at the King's table...i'm accepted with all my ailments and insecurities....i'm a a beggar, crippled by sin, but awarded a life as a child of The King...i'm a princess....

i'm thankful for my seat at His table...

i'm thankful that although "beggars can't be choosers", beggars can be CHOSEN!

not just words...

Sometimes, to my dismay, I read way too much into things...I've often been charged with this accusation...I'm a fault finder and sometimes it's hard to turn off, but today I read something into words that I think were correct to assume.

My husband wrote in a text, "I'll be there."

I smiled, knowing that he's dependable, loving, present, on my team, my best friend and everything I could ever ask for.

I know that they weren't just words.....they were a promise.

love him!!